Written by Gabe Weigle 8/17/2020

One does not simply drink wine.  You must consider it carefully, cherish it, and know how to celebrate it.  I was once a high school gym coach, but now I’m one of the most highly touted self-proclaimed sommelier’s in Ohio. A good wine must have “Curves” (Body), “POW CHOW” (Flavor intensity), and “The Nips” (Finish).  I have taken the liberty of updating the traditional wine lingo to fit the Keith Dallenbach Way; what was done in the past truly does not matter.  Follow along below as I take you through the Dallenbach Experience.  Sure, some of these methods don’t jive with the what most “experts” say is the proper way to drink wine, but “once you go Dallenbach, you won’t want your money bach!”

Step 1: How to choose a wine

A lot of people will say go to a proper wine store, and they will ask you what flavors you enjoy or maybe what food you might be pairing with the wine to help you pick the perfect bottle.  This is completely misguided.  All wine is great.  Red, White, Melon… if it is a wine, it is delicious.  If you do not like the taste of the wine, don’t fret!  It’s unlikely the wine is bad, you just haven’t drunk enough of it yet.  True, you will have to drink more of some wines than others to get them to taste good.  Believe me, once you get past that first bottle, most wines taste wonderful.  Now, if you are drinking wine you purchased with $3 out of a van in a CVS parking lot, be responsible and schedule an Uber.  Also consider designating someone to check on you if you are home alone.  These types of wine usually take two bottles or most of a jug before the flavors really come out.  Sometimes it might be worth paying a little more for the wine so you are not found half-nude and asleep in the stands of a high school football stadium.

Step 2: How to pour the wine

A lot of people recommend that you fill a red wine glass half full and a white wine about a third of the glass.  I am an optimist, so I say fill that glass to the top and reach for the stars.  Plus, what if you are drinking wine out of a drinking glass, solo cup, or ice cube tray?  Breaking these volumes into fractions is just plain confusing.  If you’re drinking the Dallenbach Way, fill the container to the brim no matter what it is and celebrate the Curves, POW CHOW, and Nips that the wine delivers. 

A lot of people like to use decanters which brings more oxidization to the wine and heightens some of the flavors.  These can be expensive, so what I found also works is a Windex spray bottle.  Just empty out the Windex, fill the bottle with your favorite wine, and spray into your favorite container.  It takes a little bit longer to spray in your glass but it is well worth it.  Also getting some notes of Windex in anyway is a wonderful treat for your palate and pairs well with fish.

Step 3: How to smell the wine

The Dallenbach method of drinking wine has really set me apart from other experts in my field.  It took many years going to free wine tastings at my local liquor store to come up with this method, but trust me, this will not only bring out the flavor in your glass—it will make you realize the pure pleasure that is vino.  First you will want to swirl your wine.  This will help get more oxygen to the wine so you can get a better sense of its aroma.  You will want to smell the wine with your nose before sipping to capture some of the different scents it presents.  Then you will want to smell with your mouth as well.  Place your face in the glass and gulp large amounts of air to really engage your sixth sense and taste the wine.  Be careful when stick your mouth in the wine glass. You do not want to break said glass or accidently suck up some wine while mouth breathing.  You will choke and embarrass yourself.

Step 4: How to taste the wine

Now that you have smelled the wine with both your nose and your mouth, it is time to taste it. Swirl your wine like you did before; letting the wine oxidize a bit this will ensure the first sip will be as thrilling as you want it to be.  Then, after you have swirled your glass a few times, dip 3 to 4 fingers into the glass of wine and taste it by licking your hand.  I know you have probably been told taking small sips is the way to go, but by dipping your hand into the wine and licking it, you get to experience so many more flavors.  You will get to taste how the wine compliments the salt of your skin and the whopper you ate 3 hours ago on the way home from work.  If you are now eating something else, you get to experience these new flavors with what you ate 4 hours ago!  This is a phenomenon I call “Triing” since you experience 3 different flavors at once. 

Now, for those who have a little more time on their hands, you can just drink straight from the Windex bottle full of wine by squirting it directly into your mouth.  This is a more sanitary way of sharing wine, especially during the COVID pandemic we are all going through.

Step 5: How to pair your wine with food

A lot of people will say you want to pair fish with white wines and red meat with red wine.  This type of closed-minded thinking is what keeps wine from expanding.  I like to pair my wine with what the weather is doing in the area.  If I am serving Tacos and it 85 degrees with a 75% chance of rain, I am going to serve something different than I would if we haven’t seen rain in a week in late June. 

Before an August thunderstorm, a chardonnay will pair great with gas station fried chicken or shrimp.  If it’s 95 degrees with 20% humidity and you’re eating pudding, a darker red—maybe a Malbec—would be more your speed.  I know what you’re thinking: How does weather have anything to do with how wine pairs well with food?  Well, barometric pressure can loosen the joints, tendons, and muscles in your body.  You would want the food and the wine you consumer to go along with that.  For instance, if a storm is coming, I am going to look for a wine that has a higher proof of alcohol since I am scared of thunderstorms.  You might be thinking that a port makes sense, but keep in mind you will want to also eat something filling to counteract the wine.  I would suggest sausage or cake.  Either of these foods would go great before a panic-induced 30 minutes as a thunderstorm roles in.  Listen, we all have our likes and dislikes, but keep your eyes on the skies, your nose in your plate, and your mouth in your wine glass, and you will find a way to make it a night to remember.

Step 6: How to schedule a tasting at a winery

The good news is that you do not have to live in California or Italy to visit a winery these days.  With many local wineries finding ways to be successful all throughout the United States, there is most likely a winery near you.  It is always a good idea to play it safe and arrange for transportation when doing a tasting as there is no doubt you will enjoy the experience and drink more wine then you intend to.  Also, this will allow you relax and enjoy the experience.  Schedule a car, Uber, or as a neighbor who has a four wheeler.  If you are in Central Ohio, please feel free to visit us at the Dallenback Winery. We make it easy for you!  Just give us your address on the day you would like to visit, and we’ll pick you up in an old school bus.  Once you are on the bus, you will listen to the music stylings of Kenny Loggins and Christopher Cross while sampling our latest wine Thunderdome.  Thunderdome is made from watermelon, grapes, and mountain dew.  This wine pairs well with the candy Nerds (which will be provided to sample with the wine). 

When you arrive at the winery, Keith will personally lead you on a mile and a half run to get the blood pumping.  Depending on how you finish will determine when you get to taste, and if you can’t finish the mile and a half you will be asked to leave.  Keith does not accept quitters, so please be alert.  You will then get to taste four Dallenbach wines which seems like not a lot, but we have been told by local authorities that our wine contains a good amount of sugar and this can cause diabetic episodes. 

Our four wines—Miata Madness, Gym Shorts, My Teeth Hurt, and Neck Muscle Spasm—will definitely be plenty for the most veteran wine aficionado.  Once you have tasted them, sit out in our back yard and watch the clouds mix with the smoke of the nuclear treatment plant in the distance for a truly magical experience.  Your heart rate will be checked at the end of the day, and we take a small blood sample to make sure you are ready to return home on the bus, safe and sound.  We want to be sure you are ready to come back for more.  Looking forward to hosting you here at Dallenbach Wineries, and remember, “Once you go Dallenbach, you will keep coming bach!”