Johnny Cakes New Album “The Only Man Who Can Do the Job” Drops almost two years early due to Covoid!

Written by Gabe Weigle 6/19/20

Right now a lot of musicians are delaying the release of their new albums do to the coronavirus pandemic, but this Johnny Cakes album is actually coming out early. Johnny was planning to release his album in the fall of 2021, but thought to himself in his words, “The world needs me now more than ever.” His new album is called The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and it will be out next Friday.

A press release describes the album as “exactly like his first 10 albums. A sub-par musician whose ego writes a check his talent can’t cash!” After divorcing his third wife and getting his third DUI, Cakes refused his court ordered addiction counselor and decided to conduct therapy on himself. Cakes was quoted, “I don’t need others to solve my problems. Why would I pay someone to get in my head when I am the only one that is in it?” This, of course, inspired Cakes to write first self-help book: “Screaming In the Mirror: How to Cut Through Your Own Bullshit with Your Own Bullshit.”

Johnny teamed up with some of the best cover bands in East South Carolina including Tommy and the Tone Deafs, I Got Divorced in My Late 40’s, and Yep, We are Still Doing This to get his musical chops back up to par. When asked about their collaboration, Cakes remarked, “You know, playing with these guys made me realize I was really talented. They are great, but can’t bring the house down at a Marina Bar at 8pm like Cakes on the strings!” Johnny still can’t answer questions about the Marina fire he mentioned, as the crime is still under investigation and he is a suspect.

All of these experiences really fueled The Only Man Who Can Do the Job. It can be best described as spoken word poetry yelled over simplistic chords, with lyrics only a sociopathic narcissist can relate to. Though, if you need a laugh and have enough weed, this is the kind of album you can rely on when you need to feel better about yourself. After listening to this album, not keeping up with my CrossFit class and neglecting to take my cat to the vet for 8 years didn’t sound so bad. Johnny is a real piece of shit, but hey, at least you’re not him.

Here is what Cakes had to say about The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and its early arrival:

I am so glad I could help everyone out with getting this album done two years ahead of schedule. Some people felt like it was rushed, and I would like to fight each one of those cowards. People need this music because most people are scared sheep that keep a light on at night, but not Cakes! They need a man who only sleeps four hours a night because I refuse to admit that I have sleep apnea. The world needs a man that snores so loud he has given himself three hernias in his sleep. The world needs a man who listens to his gut and not what anyone else has to say. So, you better enjoy this album! If you don’t then you and whoever likes and supports you as a person is just too much of a panty waste to even deserve my time.

Our daily routines have been taken away from us and we should forcefully get them back. After all, in times like these everyone is out for themselves, so you better not be late to the party. This album is believing in the voice that tells you, “You are the best there is” and “Sure, he runs a gym, but I can take him.” It’s an album that takes my fear of change and new ideas and puts them on display for the world to see. My agent told me “Johnny you have to evolve. It has been proven that the keytar as an instrument doesn’t really makes sense anymore and you can do a lot more easily with the new keyboards these days.” I simply hit the gas on my golf cart and ran him over. After he heard the beeps of a reversing golf cart, he definitely saw it my way. Listen, Cakes believes in the people! People have advanced their thinking generation after generation! This has created the kind of life that is more comfortable than ever before, and do you think new ideas got us here? I rest my case.

The Only Man Who Can Do the Job debut’s on CD and Cassette May 15. Johnny does not believe in the Internet, so you will not be able to find him on iTunes or any other streaming service. This makes his music hard to listen to and truly hurts his success as an artist. Johnny, though, remains true to what he believes in because, well, what else does he have at this point? Below are the tracks from his album. I look forward to hopefully finding the alarm clock/CD player in my attic to listen to his music. Rock on Johnny Cakes!!

Track List:

01: “I Am Too Drunk to Drive Out of This Parking Lot”

02: “I Don’t Hug Men”

03: “Bake Me Something Good Woman”

04: “Why Did She Leave Me?”

05: “I Don’t Speak Your Language, So I Am Gonna Yell”

06: “Sleep Hernia Blues”

07: “Scared of Most People”

08: “Man of Few Words”

09: “I Have Known You for 20 Years and Can’t Spell Your Name”

10: “Nothing Out There Is Good”

11: “The Sprinkler Woke Me Up”

12. “I Thought This Was My House”

June 20, 2020 0

A Simple No-Knead Bread Recipe and a 4 year break up….

A Satirical blog by Gabe Weigle

I know almost everyone now has seen the no-knead bread recipes that are all over the Internet, but no one has written about them 2 hours after a 4 year relationship just came crashing to an end. So, in the words of Samuel L Jackson, “Hold on to your butts!”

After following a recipe that even a man on his fifth Manhattan could follow, the luscious loaf melting in my mouth was surprisingly far from ugly. See? I have accomplished a lot, Vicki! Oh, it’s been over for a while? Well so are those fucking summer jumpers you like to wear so god damn much. I mean, I am not Gianni Versace, but you are a whore my dear.

Alright, back to the bread. Listen, this is some seriously sticky dough, which is awesome because yeast loves this since it is the perfect environment for it to grow — which must be similar to your vagina because every time I wanted to have sex, you had another yeast infection. It was like you had an English muffin factory inside of your English muffin. I am sorry that’s messed up; it was hereditary, and there was nothing you could do about it. Sure, I am the bad guy! I am always the bad guy! I volunteer at a food bank once a year, Vicki! I care about PEOPLE!

The bread doesn’t take much yeast, which makes it rise slower and helps with depth of flavor. The recipe then calls for you to bake it in a Dutch oven which creates the perfect environment to lock-in the moisture. This create a pillow of bread and a crunchy crust you can eat while you cry to your friend Brent that she was the one.

That is, until it gets uncomfortable for Brent because I guess a man can’t show emotions to another man. I friggin listened to Brent cry for fucking 2 weeks because his cat Dr. Doogie Meowser died. I didn’t give him shit — not one time! Nope! Brent it’s gonna be fine man! It’s cool that you are this upset. We all get attached to our animals. I like to put on cat ears too sometimes. I was there for YOU! But now I am being outlandish because the woman that should have been the mother of my CHILDREN and the LADY that I was supposed to have hold my hand as I DIE, reading to me a notebook I kept…How does that movie go?

Anyway, the one ingredient that is key with this recipe is the yeast. You will want to use instant yeast — about a ½ a teaspoon, which is a little less than traditional dry yeast. This kind of yeast is very reliable and really has nothing to do with speed. I mean I can relate a lot to instant yeast as I am quite a reliable person, and a lot of people are aware of this. Last week at work my boss was like, “Brian your work is very consistent and always accurate, but you need to go above an beyond to advance in your career.” Fuck my boss.

Vicki was all like, “You are a nice guy, but it is the same thing week in and week out. I need to feel like you give a shit if you want this to go anywhere!” What, do you not think I care about things?! Look how much I know about bread! I know our dating anniversary (I think), and I am pretty sure I can remember what you were wearing the first night we met, which was…

Anyway, the recipe below is not like all of this life bullshit. Just stick to the recipe! If you do too much, it won’t work or don’t do all of the steps, it won’t work — no matter how hard you try and save it. Bon Appetite!

2 3/4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/2 teaspoon instant yeast
1 1/3 teaspoons salt
Cornmeal as needed.

In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. (Adjust salt if crying. Tears contain more salt than you think.) Add 1 3/4 cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Feel free to throw it against a wall when you think about every time she said you would be together forever. If you are in a blind rage like I am, make sure your dough is covered in flour so it doesn’t stick to the wall.
When you are done with your anger, place the dough in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap. She wouldn’t let you use plastic wrap because it killed the dolphins, but I have always hated dolphins. Always! Dolphin show at the aquarium? Hard pass! Not because it’s cruel to dolphins, but because they are too fucking smart. Once you’ve covered the bowl with plastic wrap, let the dough (and your heart) rest at least 12 hours at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.
Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly sprinkle flour over a work surface and place dough on top of it; sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes. While you’re waiting, check her Facebook page and read all of her comments to see if you can figure out which guy is moving in on your girl! Once you narrow it down to three lucky assholes, make plans to fight them that you will never follow through on.
Using enough flour to keep dough from sticking to the work surface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball. Generously coat a cotton towel with flour and corn meal, put dough seam-side down on towel, and dust with more flour and cornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. While your dough is rising, workout harder than you have ever before. Go on an anger run through the park at a full sprint, only slowing down to scream on your left or right as you blast pass anything in your way! When it is ready, the dough will be more than double in size and will not readily spring back when poked. Now’s the time to take marijuana in some form because you are going to want to calm the hell down.
At least 30 minutes before dough is ready, heat oven to 460°F. Put an 8-quart heavy covered pot in the oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up. It may look like a damn disaster, like a lot of your hopes and dreams but that is O.K. Shake the pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will correct itself as it bakes, but you will always be broken and alone. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned.
Remove loaf from oven and cool on a rack. Tear off chunk with your bare hands, dip it in too much olive oil, and stare out the window. You will catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection from the window and realize that she sucks, and so do you.

June 17, 2020 0

6 Camping Tips for your next Adventure

A satirical blog by Gabe Weigle

In today’s world of constant emails, texts, and noise, it is more important than ever to get out into nature. We all know there are two key survival rules when camping: leave nature how you found it and drink as much as possible with your fellow campers. So how do you enjoy the serenity of mother nature and also get so black out drunk that you cry in front of your friends at the end of the night? As a person who likes to be seen as outdoorsy to pick up chicks, I know just enough to make sure you get amazing pictures for social media but I’ll also drink enough while camping that my friends start questioning, “Is everything okay with him?”

I’ve compiled some of my best advice for surviving the great outdoors..

Have a plan and be ready for anything

Mia Hamm once said, “The backbone of success is hard work, determination, good planning and perseverance” so I doubt she was much fun, but she does make some good points. You will want to have some rough knowledge of the trail system. Reading a map ahead of time minimizes the chance you will need to be rescued and your friends bitching that we should have gone to the beach. Be prepared for Kyle to complain, but you can nip this in the bud by getting surprisingly angry the first time he speaks up. One phrase that I like to use when I need to get a friend in line is, “Kyle would you just shut up! She died in a plane crash okay!” It doesn’t matter who “she” is—alive or not—no one will ask, and you will have a quiet walk through the wood the rest of the way.

You will also want to consider how many people are allowed at campsite and how busy it is when you’re planning your trip. Busy campsites can be difficult because, after waking up by the fire at 3 am by yourself with half-eaten s’more stuck in your beard, tents tend to look the same. You might even get in the wrong tent and accidently see your friend Kyle masturbating by himself and you will most likely have the image in your head for the next couple years.

Know what to do with trash

Like most camping trips, the end of a 2 hour hike is followed by 5–30 hours of drinking so you will want to have a plan for your trash. We want to leave nature how we found it. The next morning, you do not wanting to be yelling at your friends, “Take some damn responsibility for yourselves and help me clean up around the fire” Sure, most of the trash came from you and your friend’s cousin named “Biscuit” who brought a bag full of THC gummi bears and knowledge on what the universe had in store for all of us. Also, be sure to question everyone’s fortitude if they do not finish their beer. There is nothing worse than picking up a bunch of half drank beers in the morning, especially after eating a bag full of earlier mentioned THC gummies, 2 bags of marshmallows, a large chocolate bar, and for some reason smoking 2 cigars all after midnight.

Human waste is also a factor. You will want to stay 200 yards from any bed of water so your party’s waste does not contaminate the water supply. We also know Becky loves to fall asleep in pools on rafts where she almost died on spring break in a Ramada Inn in Fort Lauderdale. (She then goes home early on spring break, ruining any headway you made on the trip. Then, when confronted about being more than friends, she tells you that she is still recovering from her misstep and needs to be focused on her. “Damn it when I am going to catch a break!”)

Campfires

Make sure you take charge of the fire situation right away! It is vital to let everyone know that your way is by far the best way to do it, and move the wood into some sort of tepee looking pentagon. If you have any issue starting the fire, complain that the wood is too wet, and ask your friends if they have ever been camping before in a manner that makes them question why they are friends with you. Once you get this fire started, be sure to stay close as possible to your blaze. You will want to talk about your heroic feat to anyone who comes near said fire. They will want to hear all about it, so offer to show them some time if they have or have not shown any interest. Be prepared for your one friend who is going to want to jump over the fire. Of course, this ends in two ways: “John man what are you 15? No one is impressed” or “Hey, John didn’t make it over the fire and is really hurt. Should we take him to the hospital?” If it is the latter, be sure one of your friends is a nurse who can still work after two bottles of wine and Whiskey Mule. They will do a half ass job of taking care of the wound, but it will be enough to take him in the morning, and that is all you will are asking at that point.

Respect Wildlife

When camping, you will want to be sure—no matter how drunk you are— to fight the feeling to take a wild animal as your new pet. As the ego driven creature you are, who believes the entire world is your property, this can be a tough notion to fight when under the influence of your second bottle of wine. So when that raccoon/baby panda/fur baby makes an appearance, just let it be. You do not want to have the story of when Tina got rabies at the state park. Also please do not try to rescue any injured animals and call a park ranger. Don’t go all Jane Goodall and put a splint on a possum because your god chose you to protect this marsupial. Nay! Call the park ranger and let the pros handle it!

A lot of campers’ biggest fear is to come face to face with a bear! If you see a black bear, it has been said to make yourself look big by screaming at the bear. This is easy to do because you are already screaming. When you friends see you charge a bear like a fucking champion, you will get major street cred. If you see a grizzly bear, just crumple to the ground and be prepared to be dinner. (Do not see a grizzly bear.) If you see a dragon, it is not real. You are on really good mushrooms and thank Todd for bringing them. If you see flashing lights and a man in a big hat who is asking you, “Where are you clothes son?” You are naked in the woods, and the ranger wants you to get out of the kids’ playground. This also means Todd has really good mushrooms!

Be mindful of other visitors

Sure, you brought your acoustic guitar and weird Darrell brought a wooden box that he considers some kind of percussion instrument, but you do not sound good. I know you feel like you are tearing up Simon and Garfunkel covers, like you are opening for Dylan on the lower west side in the early 70’s, but you are both disasters. You are too drunk to tune your guitar even though you did so for 40 minutes. In reality, you are playing the same three chords poorly and shouting lyrics. Darrell in the meantime is smacking around that box like his crotch is on fire and he likes it. As you make eye contact, you feel like you got a good groove going, but everyone wants you to stop so we can play another game of Cards Against Humanity. Tina, who has recovered from the raccoon bite because your nurse friend jumped into action by cleaning the wound with hard seltzer and a maxi pad as a bandage, is into you. Well, that was the case until you break into “Round Here” by Counting Crows and start uncontrollably crying in the second verse.

Enjoy it!

You planned this nightmare, so enjoy what nature has for you! Poison ivy in fun places, Dave smelling gross, Brenda complaining non-stop about every insect, waking up severely hungover, and sleeping on the ground. This sounds awful, but you have all your life to camp correctly! You have your whole life to have the right gear. Be prepared for everything, but why not take some time with the people you love and make a damn mess out of the whole thing? Hug that raccoon, smack the shit out of that wooden box, and make out with rabid Tina, because this is where you are supposed to be.

June 3, 2020 0