With the COVID-19 pandemic continuing in the United States, a lot of us are staying connected with our friends via social media. Unfortunately, social media is now designed to include robust marketing efforts and annoying advertisements each time we check in on our friends. Add this to the marketing messages which seep into everything else we do these days, and it can be really overwhelming. So, as we all look for space to unplug from the beast that is electronic media, I wanted to share some of my favorite tips to unplug and get some peace.
Stay Off Social Media an Hour Before Bed
Social media triggers our emotions, so it is best to stay off these little hypnotic devices before bed time. I mean, it is a lot of fun to think about how racist Aunt Lisa is before bed and how the history of our country has ignored so many flaws for so long in this country. Now that they are coming to light, maybe I can make a quilt or help write some poetry to really help people relate to people better. Oh man, I think I left the lasagna out on the counter. Phew! I am getting so forgetful during this pandemic. That reminds me! I need to buy more sweatpants. Has John texted me back? I hope he is okay… Oh man, I hope he doesn’t have it! I’ll call him tomorrow.
Sure, it is a blast thinking about saving a country, sweatpants, pandemics, and mental health, but let’s try to keep it to “Damn, this comforter is fly!” before bed.
Turn Off Your Push Notifications
Your favorite chef posted a new recipe, your favorite baseball team just scored… you do not need to know this while your wife is giving birth. I mean, just imagine looking at your newborn son, only to look away because a company wants to know if they did a good job delivering your new French-press. It is freaking terrible that I am sure this has happened. So, instead of losing your children constantly because you got an alert from NPR that Ebola is back somehow, maybe schedule some time to read through the news. You need to make your smartphone a tool that works for you and not a tool that works for marketers. Schedule some phone time to check up on your info, and then lose your phone in the couch where it belongs.
Use One Device to Check Social Media
It is a good idea to keep social media off your phone and just on your laptop. This will stop you from anger-posting, which is a lot easier on your phone than your laptop. If you tend to get irate over how your coffee was prepared, instead of rage-texting, give yourself the ride home to think about how damn lucky you are in the first place, asshole. Maybe chill on the coffee post? Plus, you just got some killer new shades, and that’s got you looking mad sexy! Let the gram-fam drink in that dope shit!*
*As a 40 year old man, I really enjoyed talking like this. If you are old give it a try! It will make your day and your late 20 and 30 acquaintances really uncomfortable.
Give Yourself a Time Limit
A lot of people set aside a specific amount of time to utilize social media, which is great way to make sure you are not spending too much time on the internet. I set an emotional time limit. After I say, “What the hell is this?!” three times, I know it’s time to get off the internet. This could be any variation of: “What the hell is this? I didn’t know I could re-grow my hair?! YIPPIE Ki Yaaaay!” Or, “What the hell is this? Are we still arguing climate change is a thing?! Can we just start to try and figure it out now?!!!” Both of these statements stir my emotions, so I need to log off on the third, “What the hell?!” Otherwise, I might go off on a loved one about exaggerating their sneezes. There is no way that’s how you sneeze, Aunt Donna! That is ridiculous!!!!
Don’t Eat While on Social Media
When you are scrolling through social media, try not to be eating food. You will be so engrossed in your former college friends’ actions and political beliefs that you didn’t realize you just ate an entire Footlong Subway sub, a leftover cookie from Panera, and somehow didn’t notice you were actually driving a vehicle as well. You can also damage your devices when spitting out your BLT all over the keyboard because Anna’s husband Chris decided to post his wife’s placenta on social media after she gave birth to their first child. Chris you need to calm the hell down!
Do Not Take It Too Seriously
You already know reading the comments on this political news story is going to be friggin’ nuts! You know it’s going to piss you off and make you hate society. You know you are gas-lighting yourself, and you love it so much. You are emotionally invested in the fight with John Miller from Points Unknown who thinks the world is flat and Bill Gates who is controlling us through Bagel Bites. Even though you know this person is wrong and is probably fighting some demons to believe in that shit, you still hate their guts. Now you have to put energy towards hating a person you will never meet, which is hard when you also need every bit of energy to put on pants everyday. I mean, when you have to face another day in a world of very necessary ninja masks, you need as much energy as possible. So, skip the comment section and call an actual person who maye just finished the first season of “Bridgerdon.” I guarantee you it will be like hugging a puppy made of hope and joy!
Live a Life With Actual People and Stuff
There is a life out there, so we need to be sure we are actually participating in it. It is all well and good to be out there posting all the right things on social media, but if your neighbor —uhhh, Tim or Dave? has a new hip, you better wait to stream a new episode and help that dude get his groceries out of his car. Sure, his car has a small cartoon man peeing on a Chevrolet logo, but he’s a human who needs a little help, so help that dude! Then you get to live off that I am fucking wonderful mojo for a little bit, which is the best mojo by far!
People love talking about how angry they are these days. Whether it is politics, business, or sports, everyone is really pissed. Heck, we even like to get our news these days from people yelling at us.
We all know anger is not good for us, but it is so gosh-darn entertaining that most of us can’t stop engaging in it. Don’t get me wrong; there are people who are completely chilled out in 2021 but it’s like 4 people in a monastery in Tibet, and the other 20 monks are pissed that they are so Zen. So, let’s discuss some ways to manage our anger in this new day and age.
Identify the Triggers
If you habitually find yourself getting angry, consider taking a look at what is causing this emotion. Say you tend to get angry every time you turn on your computer, watch TV, or interact with a form of media in any way. That might be something to take note of. It is not the media’s job to keep you calm, so you will need to establish anger management strategies to successfully keep you the little ball of sunshine you were destined to be. The good news is that I am going to give you some techniques to calm yourself down. The bad news is Aunt Lisa has been watching cable news 24/7 and has brought a whole damn basket of food for thought for you to munch on.
It’s OK. We can do this! Let there be ZEN!
Evaluate Your Anger
When anger grabs a hold of you, it is important to ask yourself if it is a helpful or harmful emotion in this situation. Let’s say a “friend” of yours who constantly talks over you or takes advantage of your generosity then sends an angry mob of protesters into your workplace to do God-knows-what to you. It might be time to find a new friend Mike. Being angry at this person could be helpful to end an unhealthy relationship.
Anger can also be harmful if it is making it difficult for you to have productive relationships with people. Say you just cancelled your trip to Italy because somehow Covid-19 is still happening, and just as you hit cancel, your loved one asks you, “Why do you fold the towels that way?” You then proceed to throw your laptop against the wall screaming, “Why are you this way?!” This kind of reaction helps no one. Though, someone did need to tell you that your towel-folding is a damn disaster!
Recognize Warning Signs and Leave the Situation
A lot of people get swept up in their anger before they can think about it, so it can be tough to catch the warning signs. Next time you get angry, pay attention to what your body feels like. Does your face get warm? Eyes grow larger? Talk more with your hands? Throw electronics? Once you feel yourself going there, it is important to leave the situation until you can calm down and have a thoughtful conversation. For instance, my father and I got into an argument over a Ravens/Steelers football game since we both cheer for different sides. I left the room because I didn’t want to say anything that could harm our relationship. 5 years later we finally talked about our differences, and we now have a marginally better relationship for it.
During the pandemic, this strategy can prove difficult if you cannot actually leave the situation. Many people are stuck together in the same homes like never before. So, instead of physically leaving the situation I have found that verbally leaving the situation also works. Personally, I find that scream-singing 90’s R&B songs when anger arises helps me feel calm and leaves my counterpart confused and intrigued. Say your partner asks, “Didn’t I ask you to do the dishes and pull your car out so I can go to the grocery store?” You got stuck on a work call because your boss is using satellite internet to host your meeting, and it ran long so you did not get a chance to do these things. Instead of screaming, “I was working late!!!” You could scream, “I like the way you work it! No Diggity I GOT TO BAG IT UP!” This will not only diffuse the situation, but also let’s your partner know that you are losing your damn mind and they should circle back later with that conversation.
Talk to a Friend
Venting can help release anger, but be mindful of who you choose to confide in. For instance, if your friend is your personal hype-man, you might want to avoid certain conversations with Kim “Flava Flav” Miller. You will be like, “My boss never thanked me for the work on the Telex project,” and Kim would answer, “They never appreciated you!! You should smack your boss in the face and take a shit in his car!” This kind of slight overreaction is not what you need to solve the problem.
You want to talk to a friend who will bring a realistic solution to help you solve the problem. Keep in mind that you will also need to be careful there,because after this friend gives you great advice, you might experience something called jealous anger. “Yeah, Jen, scheduling a meeting with my boss to chat about my feelings one on one is a great idea…YOU HAVE ALL the ANSWERS DON’T YOU, JEN?!! JUST BECAUSE YOU AND BRENT BOUGHT A BEACH CONDO DOESN’T MAKE YOU GOD!!!”
Get Moving
Anger can cause a rush of energy that, if dealt with in a positive way, can be a good thing. One way to channel that energy is to go on something I like to call a “RAGE RUN!” A lot of trainers will tell you to pace yourself but not a RAGE RUN! You put the pedal to the metal and sprint through your local park like a damn lunatic. You will be moving at a high speed, so be courteous to other people on the path but at the same time, you are on a RAGE RUN so let it out. Instead of yelling, “On your left!” or, “ On your right!” turn it up and yell something like, “I am going to live forever!” or “CHARLAMAGNE!!!” This lets your body release some of that negativity and increases that heart rate in a good way. When you collapse in your front yard, you will know that you can start anew with a clean slate and live from a place of peace.
Turn the Dial on Anger
If a rage run is a little too aggressive and against your probation, maybe you can find a different way to channel the anger emotion. You could knit, paint, garden, and play with your kids. Though be careful playing with your kids if you are still pretty angry. I mean, a game of catch could turn into you throwing a 4 seam fastball at a ten-year-old, ruining everyone’s day and spurring a future therapy visit for said child. Painting might be best done alone as well. That way, on wine night with the girls when everyone paints a sunset over the ocean but you paint the Titanic sinking in the distance (or maybe just a simple pile of shit), it won’t harsh anybody’s vibe.
Time to Relax Box
If you know you are going to have a tough day, sometimes it might be nice to create a “Relax Box” to open when you get home. The box should be full of things that can bring you a sense of calm. You can include a calming quote, a picture of a beautiful landscape, and a wonderful smelling candle. Though, if that doesn’t make you feel relaxed you can go another way with your box. Perhaps whiskey, fireworks, the movie Footloose, and the musical stylings of Celine Dion? It really is up to you in what makes you feel grounded and ready to invite the world in again. Remember that you are responsible for your happiness, so don’t let anyone take dancing in a barn away from you!
Talking to a Doctor
Mental health checkups should be looked at the same way as therapy for a sprained ankle. If you are having trouble with your anger and having a hard time getting your mind to a place where you can live a productive life, go see a doctor. I know some of the stigma has been removed from it, but it really is for the person who says, “I’m good,” when deep down they know they are not. No jokes in this one because your mental health is how you drive the vehicle you call your body around. Best to avoid an accident at all costs and talk to a professional if you have the slightest notion you might want to. Be kind to yourself.
With COVID-19 numbers still higher than ever around the country, a lot of people are ready to ride this winter out on their couch. Of course, this can also be dangerous since complete isolation can lead to a lot of serious mental health issues. So, here are some tips to keep yourself energized through the winter months during a pandemic.
Ice water in your veins
You need to go for a winter walk! Your weird neighbor who always wears shorts is out there, so why not you in proper winter attire? You can even pretend you were jogging when you see your neighbor venturing out to pick up their recent amazon purchase. This will improve your reputation in the neighborhood as “health-nut Seth” which everyone is into. You could also get a fire pit going and invite some friends over for a social distance happy hour. Don’t have money for a fire pit? Go old school hobo and throw a bunch of stuff to burn in a steel drum. It’s a pandemic, so Armageddon-type lawn pieces are always appreciated.
You can’t use the cold as an excuse, so muster all of your strength and kick off that weighted blanket to venture out into the arctic for some real peace of mind!
Hit the Trails
Join a local outdoor organization or group! Going for a hike in a state park or local botanical garden could lift your spirits by experiencing something truly unique. You might say, “Hey Gabe, going on a hike in the winter is depressing; everything is so dead and barren, it makes me even more depressed” I would say Damn! I thought emo died in the early 2000’s. My Chemical Romance?! Cheer up sunshine. You are looking at a fresh palate and a new year with nothing written in stone! You are seeing what could be the birth of something truly amazing in you or something around you. You are walking through hope! So, wipe off that black eye make-up, grab a cliff bar, and enjoy nature!
Pod up
Get yo self a pod and socialize, you little socializer, you! If you don’t know what podding is, it refers to selecting a few folks or a few families to hang with during global health disasters. You all agree to certain protocols to keep yourselves safe from the virus and any possible exposure, then hang out in person. This can be great in getting some actual human interaction we are all dying for, but be careful who you choose. If you have an uncle whose fly is down 40% of the time, hard pass! If he cannot remember that, then how is he going to remember putting on a mask? That friend who likes to make out with people? They friggin’ love it, and this pandemic is not stopping them! That Dad who is a “toucher” (not in a perverted creepy way, but loves to shake hands, give pat on the back, hug a stranger, kiss you on the cheek when they’re drunk, etc.)? This guy loves to get his paws on you, so be sure to keep him out of the pod. Instead, you should have a Zoom intervention with him, and let him know he has to stop ruffling people’s hair in a playful manner for at least a year.
Make your Zoom more interesting
With both work and school using video conferencing, it can be hard to feel motivated to reach out to loved ones on this platform. It can make you miss them even more and make you realize your life now is just a series of images on a screen—or you can jazz up your calls with some FUN GAMES!!! Play a murder mystery game with your friends! Just make sure you let them know you are playing a murder mystery game first, and don’t have it be a surprise. I had to spend two hours explaining to the cops that there was not an attempted homicide at my residence. Thanks, Aunt Sara! She witnesses one live murder and has to be the hero. Anyway, just make sure everyone is on the same page. Also try to play a game that doesn’t need an immediate response. If someone is on a delay, it can make the game “Heads Up” ragingly difficult and can threaten a once healthy relationship between a brother and a sister. We were 2 minutes in, and she was still asking, “Can you see me?!” I just need some damn guidance, woman!!! We hope to speak again sometime in the spring.
I work out…Virtually
A lot of people have turned to fitness apps and internet-based training to find a human connection, as well as keeping a healthy lifestyle. A couple tips: no matter how many people you beat on your virtual 5k, it is never cool in the comments to say, “I really burned a lot of you tubbies out there!” That is neither helpful nor will earn you any friends. Please try to be mature when picking a workout handle for your workout website of choice. Thrust 24/7 is not cute; it is childish and distracting in this arena, and any names in this vein should be avoided at all times. Although, hearing a virtual spin instructor yell, “Thrust 24/7, give it your all!” is delightful and will get you through lots of negative thoughts that may creep up during this dark period. Remember, a healthy lifestyle should be fun, so get out there and have a great time! It is all not that serious.
Help other humans! Especially the ones you do not like!
Since the world has lost its mind, it is now more important than ever to be nice to everyone. Let’s say the grid goes down and we socially collapse. You are going to need bread. The grocery store has been taken by group of vigilantes called The Wegman’s Mussolinis, so you need to be on the good side of Mrs. Chesterbum down the street! Sure, she yells at you to stop playing the guitar so loud even though you do not own an instrument, but she bakes a killer sourdough, which will sustain you for weeks at a time. This will help you avoid joining the Walmart War Angels to get your meals.
Be nice to the people around you!
Be patient with your Mom who, in 11 months, still cannot figure out when she is on mute. Sure, several of your Christmas presents won’t get to their destination until 2081. Who cares?! Remember time capsules? They are a blast! How psyched would you be if Prince’s Purple rain vinyl showed up at your house tomorrow?! Once everyone can hang out again, I guarantee you that within the first two days, you will be thinking “Alone time will be so nice!” Humans are designed to see the negative in everything, but we are also adaptive little buggers. So when everything seems negative, we need to focus on the positive and stay there. I don’t have to go to work and smell Terry’s Thursday tuna salad, we don’t have to watch Jena breakdown the group restaurant bill to the penny, sweat pants are amazing, and life is more comfortable than any time in history. I know people are going through unbelievable hard times and many are silently suffering right now. So it is important to be kind, be silly, and pants your family, friends, and acquaintances as much as possible! Nothing brings people together than surprisingly pulling down their pants. Be safe, wear a mask, and delightfully pull down your loved ones trousers! This is 2021! Have a little fun with it!
Working remotely has been a wonderful work experience for me. In the remote environment, you can carefully control your surroundings. Lunch breaks, distractions, and travel can be easily managed since you do not have to commute to work. Of course, there are some drawbacks to working from home that I wanted to share. It is tough to vent to your coworkers about working from home since many people consider it a luxury, so I am going to bitch to you all about them. Sit back and relax as I teach you how to be the boss of your home environment.
You Are Going to Feel Left Out
When you work in the office, you are much more likely to be up to date on all of the office rumors and hot gossip. When you work from home, you will know exactly what is in your fridge, and you’re going to look at your stomach fat in the mirror a lot more often. You might notice yourself losing weight at first since you won’t be sneaking a third Krispy Crème from 1 of the 5 boxes skinny Kevin brings in every day. Did I mention he never asks for anyone to pitch in? That dude has to be selling drugs on the side or something.
Anyway, you no longer have to worry about these kinds of distractions, but you might miss that Tammy in accounting is getting married or your secretary has been missing for a couple weeks, and you still think his name is Brian…Bryant…maybe Tina? Shit did I hire someone else? Anyway, you might lose touch with your colleagues.
One way to help this is to visit the office once a year, like some kind of damn phantom. There is nothing better than to abruptly appear in someone else’s office and watch them struggle with what the hell to talk about. It usually goes like, “Hey Gabe, good to see you man! You look good! How is working from home? Yeah, good! No, the kids are great. They are getting big… Looks like you got a tattoo on your neck—ouch! Does that say ‘Anarchy MOFO’? Nice! Fight the system, am I right? Well, I gotta get back to these reports. I need to get them back to John by COB. Good to see you man!” You will have this conversation 10-15 times that day, but when you do your yearly review, you can claim you visit the office regularly.
Another tip to stay close to your colleagues is to “Friend” them on Facebook (no matter how well you know them), and send them fake office rumors. Then be sure to leave divisively vague comments on their page, always pulling the conversation back to religion or politics. This is a great way to stay remote.
2. Networking is A LOT HARDER!
If you are trying to find a new gig in teleworking, it can be much harder from home. You have to depend on job sites like Indeed, LinkedIn, and other professional websites to get your name out there. You will have a harder time relying on the word-of-mouth of your co-workers since you are slightly less connected when you work remotely. It might not just be a new gig either. Sometimes promotion opportunities within your current organization will be harder to pursue when you work remotely. It is harder to get drunk with your boss and have her accidently tell you about all the losers who applied for the new position. You might not overhear that Selma in accounting thinks you’re cute, but hates that you drive a Volkswagen. (How can you hate that? Selma you’re cute, but my Gulf is the JAMMMM!)
3. Productivity Expectations
Many people who work in an office environment complain about interruptions from people stopping by their desk cutting into their work. When you work from home, you don’t have that distraction from coworkers nor a reason to wear pants, which really helps with your day. Though, you do run the risk of over-working without the commute and pressures of getting home. Your typical workday might last from 8 a.m. to 3 days from now pretty easily. Your coworkers will be annoyed that you keep scheduling Zoom meetings at 11 pm because you haven’t left your office since March. This can lead to burnout, of course. Sure, you delivered a killer report, but getting emotional at the end of the meeting because you’re worried that Brittany Spears is being held hostage by her Dad was a little too much.
Just because you work from home does not mean you should neglect maintaining a work-life balance. Make sure you are taking time in the morning and the evening to do something to unplug. Since you work from home, getting into something weird that makes your neighbors nervous is always awesome. Tai Chi in the front yard, aggressive circuit training with screaming, or just setting up an easel in the street and painting their house with watercolors are all great hobbies to make your neighbor keep their distance.
4. Gets a little lonely at times
Sure, it’s great working in your sweatpants, but what if you want to share your pants with someone else? I mean, don’t get me wrong, solitude can be great for productivity or it can be a distraction in itself. If you find yourself missing the office banter, one thing you can do is strike up banter with strangers in line at the grocery store. This way you can gossip about coworkers and it never gets back to them! “Can you believe that Tammy drove drunk into that parade after happy hour last week? Oh man, that was bad. So many police. Luckily she hit the Dairy Queen float before she hurt anyone! I mean the girl in the float was wearing some giant ice cream thing on her head so it saved her from the fall, but get it together am I right?!” These kinds of conversations with strangers can help you make friends. I mean not yet, but soon it will pay dividends.
Another tip is to name your pet after your boss. I know this is a little weird, but it will make you more comfortable having the hard conversations with your boss because you will see them as a beloved pet. Just, maybe don’t bring your pet to the office picnic and scream, “Aww god, Ted, I don’t want to deal with your shit!” when your dog poops on the sidewalk. Obviously, your boss might think you are talking to them. Then you have to explain to your boss that you named your dog after them and that’s weird. Then, in my experience, you have to sign a waiver from HR that you will seek therapy. I mean just take it from me, leave Ted home.
5. Take a training class to improve your work skills
When you work from home, sometimes you will be overlooked for trainings that are taking place in your office. So, be sure you make a point when you meet with your superior to talk about possible trainings you can take. Also, don’t wait on your boss to offer trainings. If you seek them out, it makes you look like you want to grow in your profession which is always a good thing. For instance, last year I asked my boss if I could take a lightsaber combat class, a baking with Beyonce class, and a paint your neighbor’s house in water colors on an easel in their yard class. My boss denied all of my requests, and that is why my dog’s name is Ted.
6. Working from home takes it own set of skills
When you work from home, it forces you to be more resourceful, have a strong work ethic, and be an excellent communicator. It also makes you keenly aware of what is behind you on all video conference calls. Make sure you take down that sexually charged sculpture you bought in Belgium from behind your desk because Beth in accounting is not ready for that kind of heat. Also, always check to make sure you are not on mute and always give the person that is talking on mute the hardest time possible. Be sure to bring it up at every happy hour until you leave the company so that person never forgets it. “John you just kept talking and talking and no one can hear you. HA! Am I right guys?” People eat this stuff up! Also, if someone’s microphone is not working, make sure you yell I CAN’T HEAR YOU so loud that your other coworkers are uncomfortable. You will make sure these rookies get their shit together.
7. Working from home is not for everyone
Like everything in life, there needs to be a balance for there to be joy and success. Some people may love working from home, others may not. The amazing thing is that the time we live in offers us so many options to get our jobs done. I mean, it is amazing how we can connect with each other in so many ways with the technology we have. You would think it would bring us closer, but instead it has created a world that feels like you are sitting next to your racist Uncle Brett at Thanksgiving 24/7. In times like these when we are closer than ever, we should be sensitive to the challenges everyone is facing while navigating the waters of our new normal.
Although, we probably don’t need any of this technology bullshit. Most of it just brings out the worst in human beings since it plays on our need for acceptance, fuels the ego, and we become more disconnected from the earth and what it means to be truly alive … Nahh “Alexia can you tell me how things make me happy?”
One does not simply drink wine. You must consider it carefully, cherish it, and know how to celebrate it. I was once a high school gym coach, but now I’m one of the most highly touted self-proclaimed sommelier’s in Ohio. A good wine must have “Curves” (Body), “POW CHOW” (Flavor intensity), and “The Nips” (Finish). I have taken the liberty of updating the traditional wine lingo to fit the Keith Dallenbach Way; what was done in the past truly does not matter. Follow along below as I take you through the Dallenbach Experience. Sure, some of these methods don’t jive with the what most “experts” say is the proper way to drink wine, but “once you go Dallenbach, you won’t want your money bach!”
Step 1: How to choose a wine
A lot of people will say go to a proper wine store, and they will ask you what flavors you enjoy or maybe what food you might be pairing with the wine to help you pick the perfect bottle. This is completely misguided. All wine is great. Red, White, Melon… if it is a wine, it is delicious. If you do not like the taste of the wine, don’t fret! It’s unlikely the wine is bad, you just haven’t drunk enough of it yet. True, you will have to drink more of some wines than others to get them to taste good. Believe me, once you get past that first bottle, most wines taste wonderful. Now, if you are drinking wine you purchased with $3 out of a van in a CVS parking lot, be responsible and schedule an Uber. Also consider designating someone to check on you if you are home alone. These types of wine usually take two bottles or most of a jug before the flavors really come out. Sometimes it might be worth paying a little more for the wine so you are not found half-nude and asleep in the stands of a high school football stadium.
Step 2: How to pour the wine
A lot of people recommend that you fill a red wine glass half full and a white wine about a third of the glass. I am an optimist, so I say fill that glass to the top and reach for the stars. Plus, what if you are drinking wine out of a drinking glass, solo cup, or ice cube tray? Breaking these volumes into fractions is just plain confusing. If you’re drinking the Dallenbach Way, fill the container to the brim no matter what it is and celebrate the Curves, POW CHOW, and Nips that the wine delivers.
A lot of people like to use decanters which brings more oxidization to the wine and heightens some of the flavors. These can be expensive, so what I found also works is a Windex spray bottle. Just empty out the Windex, fill the bottle with your favorite wine, and spray into your favorite container. It takes a little bit longer to spray in your glass but it is well worth it. Also getting some notes of Windex in anyway is a wonderful treat for your palate and pairs well with fish.
Step 3: How to smell the wine
The Dallenbach method of drinking wine has really set me apart from other experts in my field. It took many years going to free wine tastings at my local liquor store to come up with this method, but trust me, this will not only bring out the flavor in your glass—it will make you realize the pure pleasure that is vino. First you will want to swirl your wine. This will help get more oxygen to the wine so you can get a better sense of its aroma. You will want to smell the wine with your nose before sipping to capture some of the different scents it presents. Then you will want to smell with your mouth as well. Place your face in the glass and gulp large amounts of air to really engage your sixth sense and taste the wine. Be careful when stick your mouth in the wine glass. You do not want to break said glass or accidently suck up some wine while mouth breathing. You will choke and embarrass yourself.
Step 4: How to taste the wine
Now that you have smelled the wine with both your nose and your mouth, it is time to taste it. Swirl your wine like you did before; letting the wine oxidize a bit this will ensure the first sip will be as thrilling as you want it to be. Then, after you have swirled your glass a few times, dip 3 to 4 fingers into the glass of wine and taste it by licking your hand. I know you have probably been told taking small sips is the way to go, but by dipping your hand into the wine and licking it, you get to experience so many more flavors. You will get to taste how the wine compliments the salt of your skin and the whopper you ate 3 hours ago on the way home from work. If you are now eating something else, you get to experience these new flavors with what you ate 4 hours ago! This is a phenomenon I call “Triing” since you experience 3 different flavors at once.
Now, for those who have a little more time on their hands, you can just drink straight from the Windex bottle full of wine by squirting it directly into your mouth. This is a more sanitary way of sharing wine, especially during the COVID pandemic we are all going through.
Step 5: How to pair your wine with food
A lot of people will say you want to pair fish with white wines and red meat with red wine. This type of closed-minded thinking is what keeps wine from expanding. I like to pair my wine with what the weather is doing in the area. If I am serving Tacos and it 85 degrees with a 75% chance of rain, I am going to serve something different than I would if we haven’t seen rain in a week in late June.
Before an August thunderstorm, a chardonnay will pair great with gas station fried chicken or shrimp. If it’s 95 degrees with 20% humidity and you’re eating pudding, a darker red—maybe a Malbec—would be more your speed. I know what you’re thinking: How does weather have anything to do with how wine pairs well with food? Well, barometric pressure can loosen the joints, tendons, and muscles in your body. You would want the food and the wine you consumer to go along with that. For instance, if a storm is coming, I am going to look for a wine that has a higher proof of alcohol since I am scared of thunderstorms. You might be thinking that a port makes sense, but keep in mind you will want to also eat something filling to counteract the wine. I would suggest sausage or cake. Either of these foods would go great before a panic-induced 30 minutes as a thunderstorm roles in. Listen, we all have our likes and dislikes, but keep your eyes on the skies, your nose in your plate, and your mouth in your wine glass, and you will find a way to make it a night to remember.
Step 6: How to schedule a tasting at a winery
The good news is that you do not have to live in California or Italy to visit a winery these days. With many local wineries finding ways to be successful all throughout the United States, there is most likely a winery near you. It is always a good idea to play it safe and arrange for transportation when doing a tasting as there is no doubt you will enjoy the experience and drink more wine then you intend to. Also, this will allow you relax and enjoy the experience. Schedule a car, Uber, or as a neighbor who has a four wheeler. If you are in Central Ohio, please feel free to visit us at the Dallenback Winery. We make it easy for you! Just give us your address on the day you would like to visit, and we’ll pick you up in an old school bus. Once you are on the bus, you will listen to the music stylings of Kenny Loggins and Christopher Cross while sampling our latest wine Thunderdome. Thunderdome is made from watermelon, grapes, and mountain dew. This wine pairs well with the candy Nerds (which will be provided to sample with the wine).
When you arrive at the winery, Keith will personally lead you on a mile and a half run to get the blood pumping. Depending on how you finish will determine when you get to taste, and if you can’t finish the mile and a half you will be asked to leave. Keith does not accept quitters, so please be alert. You will then get to taste four Dallenbach wines which seems like not a lot, but we have been told by local authorities that our wine contains a good amount of sugar and this can cause diabetic episodes.
Our four wines—Miata Madness, Gym Shorts, My Teeth Hurt, and Neck Muscle Spasm—will definitely be plenty for the most veteran wine aficionado. Once you have tasted them, sit out in our back yard and watch the clouds mix with the smoke of the nuclear treatment plant in the distance for a truly magical experience. Your heart rate will be checked at the end of the day, and we take a small blood sample to make sure you are ready to return home on the bus, safe and sound. We want to be sure you are ready to come back for more. Looking forward to hosting you here at Dallenbach Wineries, and remember, “Once you go Dallenbach, you will keep coming bach!”
During the pandemic, a lot of us are searching for an inner peace which was lacking in our lives even before The Great Pause. Now that many of us are spending a lot more time at home, we are looking for things we can do to achieve this with what we have access to. A great way to get mentally and physically healthy is yoga. Yoga is a group of physical, mental, and spiritual practices which originated in ancient India. You will be introduced to many postures, breathing techniques, and paths of thought to explore you as you get deeper into this practice. Due to the circumstances of the pandemic, a lot of you will start your yoga practice virtually. I wanted to give you some tips to keep in mind when it is safe to attend a yoga class again. So, without further ado, my seven tips to make your first yoga class a success:
Show up clean
Most yoga studios are not very large, so if you arrive already smelling funky, it is going to be hard to reach any kind of tranquility. I mean, training for that half-marathon is great, and what could be better than bragging to a captive audience about your training regimen during your post-training-run stretch? This might sound great to you, but you’re coming into a tranquil setting and smelling like a trash can will distract everyone from a great experience. Also, you will also suffer from pit, back, and butt sweat stains on your clothes. I know you think everyone will be in the same boat, but just know your boat is different, and it smell like a trash barge in the Hudson River. Just take the time to grab some clean workout clothes (and maybe a shower) so you can come in refreshed and ready to focus on your inner Zen.
2.Do not refuse to use a yoga mat
Listen, I get it. No one likes to be told what to do, but man those yoga mats are useful. You will be surprised how much your feet sweat, and next thing you know, you will be tasting the yoga studio floor during downward dog. You might think people would feel bad for you, but I guess some people took it the wrong way when class started late because someone got in a shouting match with the instructor about not using one. I mean, I would have been fine in my basketball shoes but nooo evidently my shoes were squeaking so much, it sounded like an NBA Playoff game in the back of the room … Anyway, I lost a tooth.I mean, the poor guy lost a tooth when his face impacted the yoga floor, so just use a mat. It’s safer for everyone!
3. Try not to eat
Make sure you are not hungry during your yoga class. Be sure to eat a small meal before or maybe a small snack on the way there so you are not distracted. We all have busy schedules, but there is no excuse for trying to eat a Subway Turkey Club foot long during a hot yoga session (I have been told). If you do attempt to eat during yoga, especially a sub, you are going to run into a lot of issues. Breathing can be difficult in poses, especially if you are inverted while chewing. Dressing or mayo might drip on your yoga mat, causing slippery conditions. Plus, you may be judged by your fellow yoga participants since everyone has different beliefs when it comes to the 5 second rule. So, it is best to leave the food out of the studio, (but Subway does make a nice club and at times it has taken me to a place of Zen. Just saying!)
4. Don’t talk trash
Even if you are a competitive person, yoga is not a place to talk to trash to your fellow yogi’s. Some postures are easier than others. If you are nailing a Mayursana pose and the person next to you is struggling, it’s not cool to say, “Do you even stretch bro?” Also, if someone is doing a pose wrong, it is not appropriate to boo them even if you think it might be a learning moment for them.
It is also important to remember that you are learning and won’t be perfect at every pose. So, when your instructor does a pose that you find challenging, you should not yell, “Get a job you dirty hippy! Nobody loves you!” That, I have been told, is way over the top and not helpful in anyway. Yoga is all about quieting your mind, so you need to do the same with your mouth. Though, I still like to whisper “I am better than you” to the instructor as I leave every class. I feel like it sets a tone that I am on a path to yoga domination, and I also have been told I still really don’t understand yoga.
5. Don’t look at someone’s butt too long
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Man this guy is a perv!” Let’s all be honest here. You are going to look at a butt or two. Don’t assume it is just good butts; there are many bad butts. There are also those, “Man that’s one boring butt,” but you are definitely going to look at some butts during yoga. You will want to use a glancing technique that has been perfected throughout the years. Start by looking towards a neutral object, moving your head towards it, but on the journey to seeing said object, get a good look at that butt you want to check out. If you are fascinated by tushies, you’ll want to keep that in mind. Say you get locked in on this guy who has the most boring butt you have ever seen. I mean, that butt is like the DMV of butts, and next thing you know he is glaring at you. Then, after enduring the stare-down, you get yelled at in a parking lot that you are some kind of deviant. Listen, you are going to have to look at a butt whether you like it or not; just keep it moving.
6. Wear comfortable clothes
You might hear terms like “movement clothes” and immediately want to fight the person who said it, but they are a good idea. Some fabrics like denim, corduroy, and leather are not great for yoga so you’ll want to stay away from them. If you wear any of these fabrics to a yoga class, your body is going to make noises that are confusing for everyone. You should not where a hooded sweat shirt during yoga either, no matter how comfortable it is. I mean, yeah, you want to get your sweat on, but that hood is going to haunt you like that boring butt you saw last class. Every pose it will flop down over your head and eventually you will lose your mind and tear it off of you, throwing it across the studio yelling, “I made a bad choice!” People will think you have anger issues, and you will be asked to sign a slip of paper which states that if you have another outburst, you will need to leave the studio indefinitely.
7. Don’t slowly undress during hot yoga class
Hot yoga comes as advertised, and it is friggin’ ridiculously hot. You are going to want to dress for a warm environment at the very start. I made the mistake of wearing sweatpants, but luckily they were the tear away basketball type. I have been told if you rip them off like you have been subbed into a Final Four game, it can be distracting and to just come in shorts. Also, if you do need to remove your shirt, it is frowned upon to swing said shirt above your head and say, “Daddy likes it hot” to the yoga class. Even though it IS hilarious, there is no place for it in the yoga studio. There should be no scenario where you end a yoga class in just your underwear, no matter how hot the class is. Even if you get a little discombobulated by the heat and walk through the lobby to your car in your tighty-whities, it is still considered public indecency and can be misdemeanor if arrested in most cities. Yoga can deal you some tough breaks, so stay focused and have some fun out there!
In your history classes you learn about the events in the past from the winner’s point of view. In this blog I would like to celebrate the worst of the worst! Below you will learn about four truly terrible British poets during the English Renaissance. These gentlemen lacked talent but dared to be really bad at poetry. Today everyone likes to show the perfect image of themselves, so it is nice to be able to celebrate our flaws and failures. Cheers!
Romantic Period (1785-1832)
Alfred (Miller)Furnt was a god awful poet during the Romantic Period of poetry in England in the late 1700s. He was known for using nonsense words to describe the world around him. Since he was not successful in any way, his poems “Flappel,” “Rumpskyumsky,” and “Burfing” are not known by many nor should they be read. Instead, here is an excerpt from Furnt’s diary to give you a glimpse of who the man was.
Diary Entry of Alfred Furnt:
The of love of my life, how can I put into words what you mean to me? I look for the words in the stars, I look for the words in the sea, but alas they do not exist. If I am to truly speak of what you mean to me, these words must come from one’s soul. So as I sit here upon this mountain top looking out over these sumptuous lands, my soul whispers one word: Furnt.
I’ll be honest, my darling, I am not sure what this word means, but it is you, my beauty. As I whisper the word furnt out to the shadows of the night, they paint me a picture of you looking out the window, sipping your tea, and smiling back at me. We may be apart now, but I know these months will roll by faster than the way my heart beats every time I see you. Oh! Furnt is not just a word, it is every part of you. When the weather turns warm and you wear nice spring dress for the first time, furnt! When we share a glass of wine in the evening on a moonlit beach with the stars dancing your eyes, furnt! When I hold your hands and look into your eyes the day we are to be wed, my dear, furnt!
My beauty, you are humble and I know you can be made uncomfortable with such flattery, but I have changed my family name of Miller to Furnt to honor your true beauty. I look forward to seeing you in the fall so we can continue our courtship. I will finally lay my eyes on my dear lady who is known in the diary of my soul simply as Furnt.
With all my love,
Alfred Furnt
The Neoclassical Period (1600–1785)
John Flyer was a disaster as a poet and as a person. While most poets of the time looked to the Greek poets and philosophers for inspiration, Flyer was writing about his neighbor, Dirk. Flyer wrote 3,000 poems complaining about Dirk and his family. He wrote poems like “Your Kids Are Banshees and Should Be Drowned,” “Keep Your Horse Out of My Sight,” and “Dirk the Wanker and His Wildly Wankin’ Family.” These bitter poems were a departure from most poets who spoke to themes much more grounded and realistic. Below is a poem Flyer wrote after he accused his neighbor of never returning an oil lamp he lent him.
Dirk the Turd
Dirk, I know you have it
Without it, my house is dark and I keep hitting my head on shit
You pretend not to know what I am talking about
Even fake falling asleep as I shout
Wake up you idiot give me my damn lamp
If you keep this up, I will pass out pamphlets to the village on how your wife is disgusting tramp!
I see it! There it is, behind you in your kitchen! I knew it was in your possession
Don’t you pants me! Your brut you are bigger than me, but you will suffer repercussions
I stand here pant-less, but undeterred
Give me the lamp, Dirk you turd
The Renaissance Period (1500–1660)
Gilbert the Saucy was a political poet who hated the King of England and his entire royal party. Gilbert claims he was run over by the king’s carriage, and when his guards stopped the carriage to pick up Gilbert, they used him as a human carpet to cover a puddle so the ladies in the royal party would not get their dresses wet. This, of course, left a bad taste in Gilbert’s mouth when it came to the crown. He then dedicated his life to crashing Royal parties and screaming out his poetry at inappropriate times during the event. He would be put in jail for his crimes, but the king was not well-liked so Gilbert the Saucy was always able to “escape.” The following poem was shouted out during the spring Mayday celebration. Gilbert dressed himself like a young girl and pranced around the May pole, but as the song began to climax, he stepped away and began to shout at the Royal Party.
How I Would Like to Kick You in the Jewels
Spring paints our countryside in green and beauty
Though even with the annual rebirth of our land, kicking you betwixt your legs is my duty
In your best spring silks, so grotesque and sweaty
Oh how I would like to give your jewels a punt, I am ready
When you are rambling on to your public all stupid and fat
We can’t pay attention to what you say because all we can think about is round housing you in the sack
Sure you have won some wars, cheers to that,
We have accumulated more land under our flag
The riches will fill all our velvet bags
Though rich in wealth, he is fat as this cat
Why do we put up with a leader who we know is a rat?
Middle English Period (1066–1500)
Turnkel of Bumbleberry was a monk-turned-farmer who lived in the late 1100’s and wrote a series of poems about his misfortune in life. He was kicked out of the monastery for failing to uphold his daily chores. Seems like a rather innocent digression, but he was said to have caused 3 fires and the death of several livestock when he was assigned to simply milk the cows. He was finally thrown out of the monastery when he burned down half of the Village of Inflago, which let’s be honest, was asking for it. He settled down in the town of Bumbleberry after, where he did much of his writing as he worked a farm. Below is one of his poems depicting a normal day on the farm for Turnkel.
My Peace, My Love, My Farm
I woke up this morning looking for peace
Though none would be found for I am cursed
But these nips from a thousand nits will never cease
Oh to be free of my life’s misfortune you may take my purse
When I woke up the sky was peaceful but my day was up to its usual discourse
I went to milk the cow and her utter exploded
I ran for help but the barn imploded
As I turned back to look at the disaster my mind eroded
I went to mount my horse and ride into town for help
The steed bit me and stomped me into the ground my pride had folded
I check my crops to see how they are growing and I yelp
They were on fire how did this take place
Ahh lightning! If only it would have chosen my face
Now my sweet Abigail helps me face this everyday
Even with all of the misfortune she still decides to stay
As I walk into the house to tell her of today’s
She makes me feel like the day was not a complete abortion
Though I was blasted by the utter of a bovine
Bit by a horse of mine
The barn fell to the ground
And my crops now smolder in a smoky mound
Abigail has dinner waiting
And I am so lucky she can’t hear a sound.
My problems are just words which she does not know
Images only last for a moment high or low
Emotions last a life time and this we understand
Even though life has its misfortune, I still have her hand.
I woke up early this particular morning, which just doesn’t happen on a Sunday. My friends and I were out in Downtown Brooklyn late last night, and I can definitely feel it in every pore of my being. I needed coffee and some kind of bread. It did not matter if it came via bagel, biscuit, or baguette; I needed carbs to cure what ailed me.
Walking out of my local coffee shop, sipping my coffee and a breakfast sandwich in hand, I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction as if I had hunted and struck down this meal myself. As I took the last bite of my turkey, egg, and spinach panini, I thought Is this why I am here? I thought about everything I had been working towards in my life, and it all seemed to be in the pursuit of my entertainment. I was saving money for hockey tickets, music concerts, and vacations. I was working for clothes I heard were cool, comedy classes so I could entertain, but really all of this was to entertain myself. It suddenly dawned on me that nothing I truly cared about or was working towards varied from being entertained. Even the women I was involved with were strictly for my entertainment. I just wanted the experience of being in a relationship—the give and take—but I could not give, as I had let my ego completely take over everything about me. To be honest, it didn’t feel terrible. I was surrounded by beautiful, talented, and entertaining people just like me.
When you give your ego the keys, you are not able to trust your feelings anymore. Like Mark Twain said, “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” I realized I had to look at everything differently. I had to find God, the purpose of living, or just who I was. Just as I was thinking that any of those three would do, that’s when I saw it! The reason we were all put on this planet just walked right by me: The Jam Sesh High Top!
—
This new release of the Jam Sesh combine the wisdom of Greek philosophers, religious mystics, and the teachings of the most respected thinkers in human history. The Jam Sesh High Top will give you the answer to all of life’s questions and the ability to attack the rim on any punk ass bitch that tries to step to you on the court or in life. The iconic logo streaking down the outside of the shoe gives you the feeling of staring into an eternal abyss. Like my man Freddy Nietzsche says, “When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks right back you.” The way the leather is double stitched into the mesh fabric reminds us that we are a part of everything around us. This sneaker sticks out from the crowd, but also helps you realize that your life and your path are ultimately chosen by you, and the universe will support you in that calling. Be at peace my son, and chat up that fly ass honey giving you the eye because you got on a set of Jam Sesh sneakers.
The Jam Sesh was originally released in the mid-2000’s to little fan fair. The shoes were originally made for the short-lived sport of street luge. Besides a few-year run on the X Games, the design never got national attention. Carl Jung once said, “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell,” and that can be said about the original Jam Sesh. The soles of the shoes are made 8 inches thick to help with the breaking of a fast moving street luge board, but are impossible to wear casually. Also with the name of Jam Sesh, people who mistake it for a basketball shoe would be surprised to learn it was made for street luge. Still, the Jam Sesh did gain popularity with short JV basketball players and the street luge community. Unfortunately, that was not enough to keep the shoe in production.
This sneaker truly evolved from a short tween’s basketball shoe in the 2000’s to now, 15 years later, the only thing that will give you meaning in a world full of false idols and manicured marketing. Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said, “Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is something molded.” Sike molded this shoe’s sole, alright, by reducing it 4 inches! The new-and-improved sleek design makes you look ready for Vegas’ hottest night clubs, not back surgery. You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey Brent, all this sounds great, but how has a sneaker shown you the meaning of life?”
Whether you feel like you need another 4 inches to make the basketball team or need to slow down after speeding 70 mph down a steep hill while 4 inches from the ground, this shoe will do the job. If you need a reason to live, the key to unlock the answers of the universe, or just some help figuring out that only you can give yourself the ability to be happy, this is the shoe for you. I mean how can a shoe so ill-conceived be so popular? How could such a terrible idea bring so much clarity to my life? For me, there is meaning in everything now, even the Jam Sesh High Tops.
I work for a very successful PR agency in Boston, so my life is always on the go. After I was diagnosed with hypertension, I realized I needed something in my life to keep me grounded. So I turned to (you guessed it!) the ground, and I started a garden! Armed with the wisdom of a single growing season, I wanted to share some best practices and some challenges I ran into along the way so that you can cultivate your own soul-saving garden. Put down your smart phone and pick up shovel. It is time to get back in touch with the earth.
How to Grow Your Own Carrots
First and foremost, be sure to sow carrot seeds in shallow soil so that moisture is maintained in the top layer. This constant moisture around the seeds will help them to germinate. I was totally going to do this, but my smart phone buzzed while I was reading this step, and I couldn’t help but notice that all of my friends were going to this beer festival which seemed like fun! Based on my MacBook events calendar, it looked like there was another street festival in downtown Boston which looked like fun, too. Plus, it looked like Brent was going to be there, and last time we hung out, we had a really good time. Like, we connected, ya know? So maybe I should go to the festival? Hmm, but Sara is still pissed that I skipped out on our last girl’s weekend, so she will be heated if I miss this. Wow, this is so hard! Unfortunately, all of that decision making and stalking Brent’s social media page distracted me from planting the carrots correctly which caused them to die, but soooooooo excited to see Brent 🙂
Be very careful with your carrot bed to ensure the soil is loose and free from stone and other debris. I read this step like 40 times, but for life of me could not find the time to clear the soil. I was seriously going to do this, but it started to rain. Next thing I know, I’m binge watching this show on Netflix hard core. Listen, I found a documentary which explores how humans can only process so much information and retain it. It was so interesting, but I got a text from my boss to see if I could go to this restaurant opening the next day, then an alert that my new yoga mat was delivered, followed by another alert that my favorite singer’s tickets go on sale, and by the time I looked up from the phone, it was over. Then I started watching British dating shows where all these hot people live on this island, but can only talk to each other using puppets while nude. I mean, it was weird, but kind of hot. Watching a nude man who does his own wood working connect with a woman using nothing but a hippo puppet is what it is all about, right? Right?!
All carrots can be harvested immature as baby roots which are usually tender and sweet. They can also be left to reach their full size, shape, and color if you’re willing to wait forever. I did not get to experience this at all since all of my carrots died. It’s just that June was so busy with work and friends that I really couldn’t get into it, you know? I mean I wanted to, but I had so much to do! First there was the festival, and then I had to make it up to Sara. Then I had to travel for work and, oh yeah, meet with my family for my Mom’s birthday (who said I look so nice, like a model for one of those clothing companies Hitch and Fix. Makes sense since I get my clothes from there. At least I look good when I have no time think!)
How to Grow Your Own Beets
I was on my way to brunch and scrolling through my Insta when I saw one of my favorite trend setters enjoying this amazing beet and goat cheese salad on her page. It looked so good! So good that I was almost hit by truck as I missed the DON’T WALK sign at the cross walk while admiring the salad on my phone. When I got to brunch, I couldn’t believe they had the same salad. I couldn’t help myself and screamed with delight! I mean, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through me after cheating death, so a girl is going to be fired up to score a beat and goat cheese salad. This salad was so delicious, it inspired me to grow my own beets at home.
Beets like cool weather, so you want to plant them at the end of the summer. Plus, these guys can handle droughts pretty well and even tolerate partial shade. It seemed like there was no way I could screw these up, which was great because I was having a lot of bad luck. You know how I was almost hit by that truck? Well, I guess that was foreshadowing. As I was leaving the grocery store with my beat seeds, I got this my alert on my smart watch that I needed to check my email. So, as I was walking getting my phone out of my purse, I slipped off the side walk and tripped into the street where a bike messenger slammed into me. I was fine. I mean, I had a little concussion and a sprained wrist. I couldn’t believe it. There were also actual tire tracks up my back where the bike literally ran me over, so I guess, like the beet, I can take a little punishment too.
If you planted your beets in late summer, you can let them grow until the first frost. If you are looking for great beet roots, you will want to wait for 3 months but if you are just looking for the greens, you should see results in about a month. Listen, I got sooo mad the other day when it literally took like 20 seconds for my phone to connect to my stereo Bluetooth. So, yeah, a month for my beets will work. I mean your stereo is like right there, and all I want to do is listen to my podcast. I was just sitting in there in complete silence for 20 seconds with nothing to do. It was so maddening. I felt like screaming!!!
If you are planting your beets in the spring, they can be sowed directly outdoors a month before the last frost. You will want to stagger another planting in a few weeks so you can keep the greens and beets coming a bit longer. I mean, I definitely did the first planting, but couldn’t make the second because I fell down the steps at my friend’s house while checking my step-count for the day on my phone. I didn’t see how many steps I had logged, but I fell down 12. I mean I just got a severely sprained ankle, but my doctor warned me this was my second concussion in two months and both were brought on by being on my phone. I have a problem, I have been told. (Eyeroll)
Anyway, you should see germination in about a week, but the seeds you’ll plant are pods. Watch what comes up and be ready to thin them out a bit once they begin to sprout. After they show leaves, you want to thin the plants to be a few inches apart so they can grow to their full potential. Wow, I can’t believe I have had so many accidents in the last month all while trying to plant these beets. In fact, on my way home from physical therapy the other day, I accidently ran my car into my garage at my town house. I mean I was texting so it was my fault, but it was still scary. I didn’t get any sympathy from my friends at all. They were just like, “You are on your phone all of the time and it’s a problem…It’s physically killing you!” I mean, I wish I could tell them to beet it! … Get it? … Whatever, I am fine!
The tops of the beets will start to show or “shoulder” when they are close to harvest time. You should wait to harvest the little ones until about 50 to 70 days after you planted them. These beets will have better texture and flavor if you let them grow. You will want to pull the beets out by hand a day after you water them, but do your best to try and not cut the skin. This would have been easier if I didn’t have to wear this brace on my hand because guess who has carpal tunnel?! I mean, don’t old ladies have that?! I guess I am on my computer too much. I guess I can’t do much right these days. So frustrating! Anyway, I was able to grow a few of these, believe it or not. I mean, it did feel good to make a beet salad with my own beets, and they were sooooo good. I actually just ate them on my back deck without my phone and it was really nice. Beets are an awesome plant if you are new to gardening and just starting out. I mean I could barely keep myself alive this month and still pulled it off.
How to Grow Your Own Tomatoes
It is super easy and inexpensive to grow tomatoes from seed, so you should definitely give it a shot. First, decide what kind of tomato you want to grow. If you want organic tomatoes, you should buy organic seeds. When I first learned this I was like Whatttt?! Like, if I am growing it, isn’t that as organic as it gets? Well, I was listening to this podcast on my phone and learned that many “conventional” seeds are genetically engineered by these huge companies and they control all of the world’s food. I know, crazy, right?! Then the seeds actually kill bees and maim shelter dogs! Oh, that might not be right. Sometimes I listen to podcasts and read on my kindle at the same time. Yeah, that’s probably not right.
If you want to harvest your tomatoes all at once, you will want to buy determinate varieties. If you would like them to bear over a long period, you will want to buy the indeterminate variety. If you are like me, you do not have time to look up what determinate means, so you just pick up seeds at Whole Foods next to the quinoa. I mean, I am just growing tomatoes in my backyard, not starting a farm. Me on a farm? All dirty and gross? Who has time for that?
Once you decide on and purchase your seeds, next you will be ready to plant them in the soil! Dampen the soil before you plant, but not too much so it is dripping wet. This is where I went wrong. I was trying to take a selfie for Insta, but I could not get both the sunset and me planting the seed for the life of me. I mean the lighting was soooooo good though! Literally perfect. By the sixth picture, the soil was looking like a cookies-and-cream milkshake from this hot new ice cream place downtown. Those are soooo good!! I really shouldn’t, but they are so good.
OMG OK! So weird! Guys, an add for that ice cream place just popped up on my social media feed! Ahhh I hate it when it does that!! Totally going to post the add on my feed though because it looks AMAZING!
Anyways, you will want to make a ¼ inch hole in the potting mix, put in about two or three seeds, and cover with potting mix. I totally nailed this, but then spilled my damn designer milkshake right into the container with the soil. I tried to clean it up with a towel, but the soil got all caked in the fabric. It was disgusting. Damn you, Internet advertising!!
After the seeds have been planted, put the container somewhere warm and sunny for about 10 days so they can germinate. I put a reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget, but it sat for 20 days because I received the alert at the same time as an alert that my yoga mat was here. I mean, I’ve ordered a yoga mat before, but this actress I follow got this one that helps with circulation and somehow blocks UV rays incase I want to do it outside. I can totally meet my friend Donna in the park tomorrow morning for yoga, but am going to have to hustle home because I have a meeting at my office at 10am with new clients. I can just stay up late tonight and prepare for the meeting so I can wake up early to go to yoga and use my mat in the morning. That yoga is going to be so relaxing. #Zenyall
When the seedlings are two inches tall and have several sets of actual leaves, it’s time to pot them outside. I couldn’t believe mine made it this far even though I left them to germinate for 20 days and dumped that milkshake all over them! Amazing!
To help transition the plants outside, transplant the seedlings to larger pots. It is recommended that you find a container at least 4 inches in diameter for each plant. I was determined not to spill anything this time when planting them, so I kept my milkshake far away from the plant. Plant them a little deeper than before to encourage the roots to spread deep into the soil. I was actually able to accomplish this as well! Crazy right?! I mean, I had nothing better to do since my Internet was out and, of course, my phone died so I was charging it my car.
When you are ready to plant your tomatoes outside in your garden, you will want to plant them deep enough up for the soil to touch the first two leaves. This will make them stockier and stronger! This step took place for me around the same time my Internet was still down and I accidentally dropped my cell phone in a river while rafting with my friends. It was crazy. Tammy almost died! We went rafting with the boys and she got thrown from the raft in some level 5 rapids. Lucky Keith our guide (Super Dreamy by the way and would have looked amazing naked with an otter puppet or something) dove in and totally saved her. On the drive home we told so many stories it was so awesome and relaxing! Exactly what I needed! Anyways, I didn’t have as many distractions this time, so the tomatoes survived!
Some tips for taking care of your tomato plants while they’re growing:
Pick a sunny location. Tomatoes are great for both container gardening and/or in-ground gardens, but will need ample sunlight in either setting.
Drench the plants with water. Do this once immediately after planting them, and then continue to water them thoroughly every day. Keep an eye on the soil to make sure it dries out between watering. Once the weather gets warm, they will definitely flower.
Tomatoes are prone to disease so be sure to give them regular water, leave room between plants for good air circulation, and keep an eye on them to catch any problems. Also, don’t get carried away with planting a lot of seeds. Two plants are plenty for two people.
Stake the plant while it is still young and small. Supporting the plant’s branches will help it grow larger fruit. You want to do this right away so as to not disturb the roots while they’re working underground to develop a robust system.
Be patient. If you do all of this, your tomatoes will come out amazing!
So, if you’ve learned anything from my gardening advice, you know you will want to start by doing some research and then get the hell off your phone. Once my Internet went down and I didn’t have my phone, I really could concentrate on taking care of my garden. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I used the Internet to get all of my information in the first place, but it was kinda nice. I love my friends and my stuff, but they can’t take care of my garden so I needed to focus on that shit. I realized I really wanted to be able to grow my own food, and it would be so cool if I could depend on myself for food. Gourmet milkshakes are soooooooooo good, but that garden is where it’s at.
For all of you new parents out there, summer can mean taking your little bundle of joy on their very first road trip. Some of you might be excited for the challenge; others are already drinking in your closets crying about just the thought of it. The good news is you have no idea of how it is going to go! You could prepare for everything and it could go all to hell, or you could have done nothing to prepare and it magically goes right.
Kids, like life, are totally unpredictable, so just hang in there and make the best of it. These tips below are just that — to help you make the best of it! So, let’s get the fam on the highway and make it happen!
Lower your expectations
This doesn’t just mean stopping more frequently to rest. It means having to stop every hour or two for temper tantrums, car sickness, emotional breakdowns, and bathroom breaks that hopefully happen in the bathroom. Also when you do stop to stretch your legs, it is not just a quick 20 minute get-up and go. You’re in for a 2 hour lunch that seems like 15 minutes at a rest stop Panera which you spend trying to decide if you should email your doctor because your kid licked the side of the bathroom trash can while you were throwing out a blown out diaper.
In hindsight, you might wonder if you made intelligent choices towards your own happiness. The only saving grace in all of this takes place when you look back in the rear view mirror and they are finally napping. You will be overwhelmed with feelings like you are sincerely happy and closer to the true meaning of your life. This will last all of 20 minutes until the now-awake-one throws a stuff animal at her sleeping sister who erupts in a scream that will make you want to pull over the car, get out, and just keep walking through that corn field until you find heaven because you just stepped out of hell.
2.Have a plan
While planning your route, it is imperative to consider pit-stops. Make sure you plan for occasional stops along the way so you are not driving for too long. Apps which predict traffic-flow are a great way to help you estimate when you should stop for meals and bathroom breaks. There is also an app which identifies public restrooms near your location and gives them reviews on cleanliness. These are some amazing tools to really make sure your trip goes off without a hitch!
That is until fifteen minutes into the drive, your five year old has to pee. You were psyched that he just got out of diapers, but now realize that when he has to go, you have to stop. Though, he is a boy, so you pull over on the highway because it’s early and there aren’t many cars on the road. You have a great bonding moment with your son as he takes a whiz on a pine tree and is pretty excited with himself over the incident.
Adrenaline pumping, you get behind the wheel excited to get started again. You are driving for five minutes and now your four year old daughter has to pee. You pull over again to the side of the highway for her to do the same, but your wife can’t get her to pee because the grass tickled her tushy and she says she no longer has to go. You start driving again; she is now screaming she has to pee, so you take the first exit and stop at a sketchy 7-Eleven. Hey, they are open. Now that everyone has used the bathroom, you are running over an hour and a half behind already. You will now hit the early rush hour in the city you were trying to miss and basically are absolutely screwed. You realize your plan is shit and you are proper fucked. Have a plan but do not be afraid to refer to tip number 1 here.
3.Pack your car like a pro!
Try and pack the car the night before once the kids go to sleep. Take your time packing to be sure you do not forget anything important. Also, try to pack the things you will not need further in the back. This way, you can easily get to the things you may need on the drive. If your kids are still in diapers, make sure the changing supplies are easy to get to as well as a change of clothes in case things go awry. If you have toddlers, keep snacks in the front seat and have toys in the back seat to keep them entertained. These tips will go a long way to be sure you have a smooth ride to your destination.
Just so you know, you will forget an important item no matter what you do. When you ask your wife, “Honey where are the white noise machines?” She’ll hesitate, and then,
“Didn’t you grab them when you woke them up to put them in the car?” … No.
“I thought I was getting the kids and you were getting the monitors?”
“Michael I do not know where your pacifier is”
“Just give him another one?”
“They are packed in the pack and play all the way in the back”
“Why you would put them in there?”
“Just play your tablet some more sweet heart we will be there soon”
“Daddy my tummy doesn’t feel good…I think I am going to be…sick…”
“I want pretzels!!!! PRETZELSSSSS!!!!”
“We brought granola bars and animal crackers eat them!”
“PRETZELSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!”
Please kindly refer to number 1 if you don’t mind.
4. Hop in the back seat when things go bad!
At some point, the kid will have had enough and one of you will have to go back there. If you have more than one child, it could mean wedging yourself between two car seats in an SUV you wish was bigger. Be careful when you sit down because it will be wet! You may ask how I know that but I promise you the seat will be wet.
Your kid will be in full meltdown mode when you reach the back seat, so make sure you come prepared with something chocolate. This always works. When you get back there you will find the ability to calm your child down, and you will feel really good about things. Then after about 15 minutes, the toy you have been sitting on starts to get to you and you realize that your feet are on a cooler which will hurt the whole circulation in your little old legs. It sinks in that you are trapped in a box for the next hour before they decide to take a nap. Really you will have some amazing moments bonding with your child as you truly comfort them. Meanwhile, your body is doing the slowest, most painful yoga of its life. Then from the front seat, “Wait Waze re-routed us? Thirty minutes were added on.”
“Great!…My ass is wet!”
5. Make a playlist
If you can sync your phone with your speakers, create a playlist that you and the kids enjoy! Of course this doesn’t exist, and you will end up listening to the same cartoon soundtrack over and over. You will have dreams of your kids jamming out to your favorite tunes of your lifetime, but they will hate them and actively boo your music selection. This for some reason will hurt your feelings and you’ll wonder if you are raising rude ungrateful children who deserve to be strapped to the hood of the car for the rest of the ride unless they can immediately love Prince!
Eventually your kids will fall in love with one of your tunes, and when you both are rocking out, it will be pure magic. This is not that day. This is a road trip, and you are going to listen to the Bubble Guppies soundtrack for the fifth time and like it. So, Let’s go Crazy!!!!
6.Be prepared for everything. (This is impossible)
You can bring a first aid kit, puke bucket, all of the medicine, sunblock, bug spray, jumper cables, flares, towels to wipe up messes, but you are going to screw up. You are going to forget something, you are going to lose your patience, there will be unexpected traffic, and that is fine. You have a family and that’s what it is. Through this comes amazing stories, personal growth, and a deeper bond with your kids. So do not be hard on yourself when it all goes wrong. It is supposed to; do your best to go with the flow no matter how much is put in your way. Also, I should mention that when it all goes right and the kids sleep, use the bathroom when you need to and have a blast the whole time. It will feel amazing!
Though, as you get to the destination, you know the return trip will be a puke-fest anger-fiesta which will be talked about for years. Both are wonderful in their own way. Okay the smooth ride is better, but let’s put some sunshine on the latter.
Gabe Weigle 