Tips on a Soul Saving Home Garden from a Public Relations Professional

written by Gabe Weigle 7/9/2020

I work for a very successful PR agency in Boston, so my life is always on the go. After I was diagnosed with hypertension, I realized I needed something in my life to keep me grounded. So I turned to (you guessed it!) the ground, and I started a garden! Armed with the wisdom of a single growing season, I wanted to share some best practices and some challenges I ran into along the way so that you can cultivate your own soul-saving garden. Put down your smart phone and pick up shovel. It is time to get back in touch with the earth.

How to Grow Your Own Carrots

First and foremost, be sure to sow carrot seeds in shallow soil so that moisture is maintained in the top layer. This constant moisture around the seeds will help them to germinate. I was totally going to do this, but my smart phone buzzed while I was reading this step, and I couldn’t help but notice that all of my friends were going to this beer festival which seemed like fun! Based on my MacBook events calendar, it looked like there was another street festival in downtown Boston which looked like fun, too. Plus, it looked like Brent was going to be there, and last time we hung out, we had a really good time. Like, we connected, ya know? So maybe I should go to the festival? Hmm, but Sara is still pissed that I skipped out on our last girl’s weekend, so she will be heated if I miss this. Wow, this is so hard! Unfortunately, all of that decision making and stalking Brent’s social media page distracted me from planting the carrots correctly which caused them to die, but soooooooo excited to see Brent 🙂

Be very careful with your carrot bed to ensure the soil is loose and free from stone and other debris. I read this step like 40 times, but for life of me could not find the time to clear the soil. I was seriously going to do this, but it started to rain. Next thing I know, I’m binge watching this show on Netflix hard core. Listen, I found a documentary which explores how humans can only process so much information and retain it. It was so interesting, but I got a text from my boss to see if I could go to this restaurant opening the next day, then an alert that my new yoga mat was delivered, followed by another alert that my favorite singer’s tickets go on sale, and by the time I looked up from the phone, it was over. Then I started watching British dating shows where all these hot people live on this island, but can only talk to each other using puppets while nude. I mean, it was weird, but kind of hot. Watching a nude man who does his own wood working connect with a woman using nothing but a hippo puppet is what it is all about, right? Right?!

All carrots can be harvested immature as baby roots which are usually tender and sweet. They can also be left to reach their full size, shape, and color if you’re willing to wait forever. I did not get to experience this at all since all of my carrots died. It’s just that June was so busy with work and friends that I really couldn’t get into it, you know? I mean I wanted to, but I had so much to do! First there was the festival, and then I had to make it up to Sara. Then I had to travel for work and, oh yeah, meet with my family for my Mom’s birthday (who said I look so nice, like a model for one of those clothing companies Hitch and Fix. Makes sense since I get my clothes from there. At least I look good when I have no time think!)

How to Grow Your Own Beets

I was on my way to brunch and scrolling through my Insta when I saw one of my favorite trend setters enjoying this amazing beet and goat cheese salad on her page. It looked so good! So good that I was almost hit by truck as I missed the DON’T WALK sign at the cross walk while admiring the salad on my phone. When I got to brunch, I couldn’t believe they had the same salad. I couldn’t help myself and screamed with delight! I mean, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through me after cheating death, so a girl is going to be fired up to score a beat and goat cheese salad. This salad was so delicious, it inspired me to grow my own beets at home.

Beets like cool weather, so you want to plant them at the end of the summer. Plus, these guys can handle droughts pretty well and even tolerate partial shade. It seemed like there was no way I could screw these up, which was great because I was having a lot of bad luck. You know how I was almost hit by that truck? Well, I guess that was foreshadowing. As I was leaving the grocery store with my beat seeds, I got this my alert on my smart watch that I needed to check my email. So, as I was walking getting my phone out of my purse, I slipped off the side walk and tripped into the street where a bike messenger slammed into me. I was fine. I mean, I had a little concussion and a sprained wrist. I couldn’t believe it. There were also actual tire tracks up my back where the bike literally ran me over, so I guess, like the beet, I can take a little punishment too.

If you planted your beets in late summer, you can let them grow until the first frost. If you are looking for great beet roots, you will want to wait for 3 months but if you are just looking for the greens, you should see results in about a month. Listen, I got sooo mad the other day when it literally took like 20 seconds for my phone to connect to my stereo Bluetooth. So, yeah, a month for my beets will work. I mean your stereo is like right there, and all I want to do is listen to my podcast. I was just sitting in there in complete silence for 20 seconds with nothing to do. It was so maddening. I felt like screaming!!!

If you are planting your beets in the spring, they can be sowed directly outdoors a month before the last frost. You will want to stagger another planting in a few weeks so you can keep the greens and beets coming a bit longer. I mean, I definitely did the first planting, but couldn’t make the second because I fell down the steps at my friend’s house while checking my step-count for the day on my phone. I didn’t see how many steps I had logged, but I fell down 12. I mean I just got a severely sprained ankle, but my doctor warned me this was my second concussion in two months and both were brought on by being on my phone. I have a problem, I have been told. (Eyeroll)

Anyway, you should see germination in about a week, but the seeds you’ll plant are pods. Watch what comes up and be ready to thin them out a bit once they begin to sprout. After they show leaves, you want to thin the plants to be a few inches apart so they can grow to their full potential. Wow, I can’t believe I have had so many accidents in the last month all while trying to plant these beets. In fact, on my way home from physical therapy the other day, I accidently ran my car into my garage at my town house. I mean I was texting so it was my fault, but it was still scary. I didn’t get any sympathy from my friends at all. They were just like, “You are on your phone all of the time and it’s a problem…It’s physically killing you!” I mean, I wish I could tell them to beet it! … Get it? … Whatever, I am fine!

The tops of the beets will start to show or “shoulder” when they are close to harvest time. You should wait to harvest the little ones until about 50 to 70 days after you planted them. These beets will have better texture and flavor if you let them grow. You will want to pull the beets out by hand a day after you water them, but do your best to try and not cut the skin. This would have been easier if I didn’t have to wear this brace on my hand because guess who has carpal tunnel?! I mean, don’t old ladies have that?! I guess I am on my computer too much. I guess I can’t do much right these days. So frustrating! Anyway, I was able to grow a few of these, believe it or not. I mean, it did feel good to make a beet salad with my own beets, and they were sooooo good. I actually just ate them on my back deck without my phone and it was really nice. Beets are an awesome plant if you are new to gardening and just starting out. I mean I could barely keep myself alive this month and still pulled it off.

How to Grow Your Own Tomatoes

It is super easy and inexpensive to grow tomatoes from seed, so you should definitely give it a shot. First, decide what kind of tomato you want to grow. If you want organic tomatoes, you should buy organic seeds. When I first learned this I was like Whatttt?! Like, if I am growing it, isn’t that as organic as it gets? Well, I was listening to this podcast on my phone and learned that many “conventional” seeds are genetically engineered by these huge companies and they control all of the world’s food. I know, crazy, right?! Then the seeds actually kill bees and maim shelter dogs! Oh, that might not be right. Sometimes I listen to podcasts and read on my kindle at the same time. Yeah, that’s probably not right.

If you want to harvest your tomatoes all at once, you will want to buy determinate varieties. If you would like them to bear over a long period, you will want to buy the indeterminate variety. If you are like me, you do not have time to look up what determinate means, so you just pick up seeds at Whole Foods next to the quinoa. I mean, I am just growing tomatoes in my backyard, not starting a farm. Me on a farm? All dirty and gross? Who has time for that?

Once you decide on and purchase your seeds, next you will be ready to plant them in the soil! Dampen the soil before you plant, but not too much so it is dripping wet. This is where I went wrong. I was trying to take a selfie for Insta, but I could not get both the sunset and me planting the seed for the life of me. I mean the lighting was soooooo good though! Literally perfect. By the sixth picture, the soil was looking like a cookies-and-cream milkshake from this hot new ice cream place downtown. Those are soooo good!! I really shouldn’t, but they are so good.

OMG OK! So weird! Guys, an add for that ice cream place just popped up on my social media feed! Ahhh I hate it when it does that!! Totally going to post the add on my feed though because it looks AMAZING!

Anyways, you will want to make a ¼ inch hole in the potting mix, put in about two or three seeds, and cover with potting mix. I totally nailed this, but then spilled my damn designer milkshake right into the container with the soil. I tried to clean it up with a towel, but the soil got all caked in the fabric. It was disgusting. Damn you, Internet advertising!!

After the seeds have been planted, put the container somewhere warm and sunny for about 10 days so they can germinate. I put a reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget, but it sat for 20 days because I received the alert at the same time as an alert that my yoga mat was here. I mean, I’ve ordered a yoga mat before, but this actress I follow got this one that helps with circulation and somehow blocks UV rays incase I want to do it outside. I can totally meet my friend Donna in the park tomorrow morning for yoga, but am going to have to hustle home because I have a meeting at my office at 10am with new clients. I can just stay up late tonight and prepare for the meeting so I can wake up early to go to yoga and use my mat in the morning. That yoga is going to be so relaxing. #Zenyall

When the seedlings are two inches tall and have several sets of actual leaves, it’s time to pot them outside. I couldn’t believe mine made it this far even though I left them to germinate for 20 days and dumped that milkshake all over them! Amazing!

To help transition the plants outside, transplant the seedlings to larger pots. It is recommended that you find a container at least 4 inches in diameter for each plant. I was determined not to spill anything this time when planting them, so I kept my milkshake far away from the plant. Plant them a little deeper than before to encourage the roots to spread deep into the soil. I was actually able to accomplish this as well! Crazy right?! I mean, I had nothing better to do since my Internet was out and, of course, my phone died so I was charging it my car.

When you are ready to plant your tomatoes outside in your garden, you will want to plant them deep enough up for the soil to touch the first two leaves. This will make them stockier and stronger! This step took place for me around the same time my Internet was still down and I accidentally dropped my cell phone in a river while rafting with my friends. It was crazy. Tammy almost died! We went rafting with the boys and she got thrown from the raft in some level 5 rapids. Lucky Keith our guide (Super Dreamy by the way and would have looked amazing naked with an otter puppet or something) dove in and totally saved her. On the drive home we told so many stories it was so awesome and relaxing! Exactly what I needed! Anyways, I didn’t have as many distractions this time, so the tomatoes survived!

Some tips for taking care of your tomato plants while they’re growing:

Pick a sunny location. Tomatoes are great for both container gardening and/or in-ground gardens, but will need ample sunlight in either setting.
Drench the plants with water. Do this once immediately after planting them, and then continue to water them thoroughly every day. Keep an eye on the soil to make sure it dries out between watering. Once the weather gets warm, they will definitely flower.
Tomatoes are prone to disease so be sure to give them regular water, leave room between plants for good air circulation, and keep an eye on them to catch any problems. Also, don’t get carried away with planting a lot of seeds. Two plants are plenty for two people.
Stake the plant while it is still young and small. Supporting the plant’s branches will help it grow larger fruit. You want to do this right away so as to not disturb the roots while they’re working underground to develop a robust system.
Be patient. If you do all of this, your tomatoes will come out amazing!

So, if you’ve learned anything from my gardening advice, you know you will want to start by doing some research and then get the hell off your phone. Once my Internet went down and I didn’t have my phone, I really could concentrate on taking care of my garden. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I used the Internet to get all of my information in the first place, but it was kinda nice. I love my friends and my stuff, but they can’t take care of my garden so I needed to focus on that shit. I realized I really wanted to be able to grow my own food, and it would be so cool if I could depend on myself for food. Gourmet milkshakes are soooooooooo good, but that garden is where it’s at.

July 9, 2020 0

Johnny Cakes New Album “The Only Man Who Can Do the Job” Drops almost two years early due to Covoid!

Written by Gabe Weigle 6/19/20

Right now a lot of musicians are delaying the release of their new albums do to the coronavirus pandemic, but this Johnny Cakes album is actually coming out early. Johnny was planning to release his album in the fall of 2021, but thought to himself in his words, “The world needs me now more than ever.” His new album is called The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and it will be out next Friday.

A press release describes the album as “exactly like his first 10 albums. A sub-par musician whose ego writes a check his talent can’t cash!” After divorcing his third wife and getting his third DUI, Cakes refused his court ordered addiction counselor and decided to conduct therapy on himself. Cakes was quoted, “I don’t need others to solve my problems. Why would I pay someone to get in my head when I am the only one that is in it?” This, of course, inspired Cakes to write first self-help book: “Screaming In the Mirror: How to Cut Through Your Own Bullshit with Your Own Bullshit.”

Johnny teamed up with some of the best cover bands in East South Carolina including Tommy and the Tone Deafs, I Got Divorced in My Late 40’s, and Yep, We are Still Doing This to get his musical chops back up to par. When asked about their collaboration, Cakes remarked, “You know, playing with these guys made me realize I was really talented. They are great, but can’t bring the house down at a Marina Bar at 8pm like Cakes on the strings!” Johnny still can’t answer questions about the Marina fire he mentioned, as the crime is still under investigation and he is a suspect.

All of these experiences really fueled The Only Man Who Can Do the Job. It can be best described as spoken word poetry yelled over simplistic chords, with lyrics only a sociopathic narcissist can relate to. Though, if you need a laugh and have enough weed, this is the kind of album you can rely on when you need to feel better about yourself. After listening to this album, not keeping up with my CrossFit class and neglecting to take my cat to the vet for 8 years didn’t sound so bad. Johnny is a real piece of shit, but hey, at least you’re not him.

Here is what Cakes had to say about The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and its early arrival:

I am so glad I could help everyone out with getting this album done two years ahead of schedule. Some people felt like it was rushed, and I would like to fight each one of those cowards. People need this music because most people are scared sheep that keep a light on at night, but not Cakes! They need a man who only sleeps four hours a night because I refuse to admit that I have sleep apnea. The world needs a man that snores so loud he has given himself three hernias in his sleep. The world needs a man who listens to his gut and not what anyone else has to say. So, you better enjoy this album! If you don’t then you and whoever likes and supports you as a person is just too much of a panty waste to even deserve my time.

Our daily routines have been taken away from us and we should forcefully get them back. After all, in times like these everyone is out for themselves, so you better not be late to the party. This album is believing in the voice that tells you, “You are the best there is” and “Sure, he runs a gym, but I can take him.” It’s an album that takes my fear of change and new ideas and puts them on display for the world to see. My agent told me “Johnny you have to evolve. It has been proven that the keytar as an instrument doesn’t really makes sense anymore and you can do a lot more easily with the new keyboards these days.” I simply hit the gas on my golf cart and ran him over. After he heard the beeps of a reversing golf cart, he definitely saw it my way. Listen, Cakes believes in the people! People have advanced their thinking generation after generation! This has created the kind of life that is more comfortable than ever before, and do you think new ideas got us here? I rest my case.

The Only Man Who Can Do the Job debut’s on CD and Cassette May 15. Johnny does not believe in the Internet, so you will not be able to find him on iTunes or any other streaming service. This makes his music hard to listen to and truly hurts his success as an artist. Johnny, though, remains true to what he believes in because, well, what else does he have at this point? Below are the tracks from his album. I look forward to hopefully finding the alarm clock/CD player in my attic to listen to his music. Rock on Johnny Cakes!!

Track List:

01: “I Am Too Drunk to Drive Out of This Parking Lot”

02: “I Don’t Hug Men”

03: “Bake Me Something Good Woman”

04: “Why Did She Leave Me?”

05: “I Don’t Speak Your Language, So I Am Gonna Yell”

06: “Sleep Hernia Blues”

07: “Scared of Most People”

08: “Man of Few Words”

09: “I Have Known You for 20 Years and Can’t Spell Your Name”

10: “Nothing Out There Is Good”

11: “The Sprinkler Woke Me Up”

12. “I Thought This Was My House”

June 20, 2020 0

A Simple No-Knead Bread Recipe and a 4 year break up….

A Satirical blog by Gabe Weigle

I know almost everyone now has seen the no-knead bread recipes that are all over the Internet, but no one has written about them 2 hours after a 4 year relationship just came crashing to an end. So, in the words of Samuel L Jackson, “Hold on to your butts!”

After following a recipe that even a man on his fifth Manhattan could follow, the luscious loaf melting in my mouth was surprisingly far from ugly. See? I have accomplished a lot, Vicki! Oh, it’s been over for a while? Well so are those fucking summer jumpers you like to wear so god damn much. I mean, I am not Gianni Versace, but you are a whore my dear.

Alright, back to the bread. Listen, this is some seriously sticky dough, which is awesome because yeast loves this since it is the perfect environment for it to grow — which must be similar to your vagina because every time I wanted to have sex, you had another yeast infection. It was like you had an English muffin factory inside of your English muffin. I am sorry that’s messed up; it was hereditary, and there was nothing you could do about it. Sure, I am the bad guy! I am always the bad guy! I volunteer at a food bank once a year, Vicki! I care about PEOPLE!

The bread doesn’t take much yeast, which makes it rise slower and helps with depth of flavor. The recipe then calls for you to bake it in a Dutch oven which creates the perfect environment to lock-in the moisture. This create a pillow of bread and a crunchy crust you can eat while you cry to your friend Brent that she was the one.

That is, until it gets uncomfortable for Brent because I guess a man can’t show emotions to another man. I friggin listened to Brent cry for fucking 2 weeks because his cat Dr. Doogie Meowser died. I didn’t give him shit — not one time! Nope! Brent it’s gonna be fine man! It’s cool that you are this upset. We all get attached to our animals. I like to put on cat ears too sometimes. I was there for YOU! But now I am being outlandish because the woman that should have been the mother of my CHILDREN and the LADY that I was supposed to have hold my hand as I DIE, reading to me a notebook I kept…How does that movie go?

Anyway, the one ingredient that is key with this recipe is the yeast. You will want to use instant yeast — about a ½ a teaspoon, which is a little less than traditional dry yeast. This kind of yeast is very reliable and really has nothing to do with speed. I mean I can relate a lot to instant yeast as I am quite a reliable person, and a lot of people are aware of this. Last week at work my boss was like, “Brian your work is very consistent and always accurate, but you need to go above an beyond to advance in your career.” Fuck my boss.

Vicki was all like, “You are a nice guy, but it is the same thing week in and week out. I need to feel like you give a shit if you want this to go anywhere!” What, do you not think I care about things?! Look how much I know about bread! I know our dating anniversary (I think), and I am pretty sure I can remember what you were wearing the first night we met, which was…

Anyway, the recipe below is not like all of this life bullshit. Just stick to the recipe! If you do too much, it won’t work or don’t do all of the steps, it won’t work — no matter how hard you try and save it. Bon Appetite!

2 3/4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/2 teaspoon instant yeast
1 1/3 teaspoons salt
Cornmeal as needed.

In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. (Adjust salt if crying. Tears contain more salt than you think.) Add 1 3/4 cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Feel free to throw it against a wall when you think about every time she said you would be together forever. If you are in a blind rage like I am, make sure your dough is covered in flour so it doesn’t stick to the wall.
When you are done with your anger, place the dough in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap. She wouldn’t let you use plastic wrap because it killed the dolphins, but I have always hated dolphins. Always! Dolphin show at the aquarium? Hard pass! Not because it’s cruel to dolphins, but because they are too fucking smart. Once you’ve covered the bowl with plastic wrap, let the dough (and your heart) rest at least 12 hours at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.
Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly sprinkle flour over a work surface and place dough on top of it; sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes. While you’re waiting, check her Facebook page and read all of her comments to see if you can figure out which guy is moving in on your girl! Once you narrow it down to three lucky assholes, make plans to fight them that you will never follow through on.
Using enough flour to keep dough from sticking to the work surface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball. Generously coat a cotton towel with flour and corn meal, put dough seam-side down on towel, and dust with more flour and cornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. While your dough is rising, workout harder than you have ever before. Go on an anger run through the park at a full sprint, only slowing down to scream on your left or right as you blast pass anything in your way! When it is ready, the dough will be more than double in size and will not readily spring back when poked. Now’s the time to take marijuana in some form because you are going to want to calm the hell down.
At least 30 minutes before dough is ready, heat oven to 460°F. Put an 8-quart heavy covered pot in the oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up. It may look like a damn disaster, like a lot of your hopes and dreams but that is O.K. Shake the pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will correct itself as it bakes, but you will always be broken and alone. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned.
Remove loaf from oven and cool on a rack. Tear off chunk with your bare hands, dip it in too much olive oil, and stare out the window. You will catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection from the window and realize that she sucks, and so do you.

June 17, 2020 0