6 Camping Tips for your next Adventure

JUNE 3, 2020

A satirical blog by Gabe Vetty

In today’s world of constant emails, texts, and noise, it is more important than ever to get out into nature.  We all know there are two key survival rules when camping: leave nature how you found it and drink as much as possible with your fellow campers.  So how do you enjoy the serenity of mother nature and also get so black out drunk that you cry in front of your friends at the end of the night?  As a person who likes to be seen as outdoorsy to pick up chicks, I know just enough to make sure you get amazing pictures for social media but I’ll also drink enough while camping that my friends start questioning, “Is everything okay with him?”

I’ve compiled some of my best advice for surviving the great outdoors..

1. Have a plan and be ready for anything

Mia Hamm once said, “The backbone of success is hard work, determination, good planning and perseverance” so I doubt she was much fun, but she does make some good points.  You will want to have some rough knowledge of the trail system. Reading a map ahead of time minimizes the chance you will  need to be rescued and your friends bitching that we should have gone to the beach.  Be prepared for Kyle to complain, but you can nip this in the bud by getting surprisingly angry the first time he speaks up.  One phrase that I like to use when I need to get a friend in line is, “Kyle would you just shut up! She died in a plane crash okay!”  It doesn’t matter who “she” is—alive or not—no one will ask, and you will have a quiet walk through the wood the rest of the way.  

You will also want to consider how many people are allowed at campsite and how busy it is when you’re planning your trip.  Busy campsites can be difficult because, after waking up by the fire at 3 am by yourself with half-eaten s’more stuck in your beard, tents tend to look the same.  You might even get in the wrong tent and accidently see your friend Kyle masturbating by himself  and you will most likely have the image in your head for the next couple years.

2. Know what to do with trash

Like most camping trips, the end of a 2 hour hike is followed by 5–30 hours of drinking so you will want to have a plan for your trash.  We want to leave nature how we found it. The next morning, you do not wanting to be yelling at your friends, “Take some damn responsibility for yourselves and help me clean up around the fire”  Sure, most of the trash came from you and your friend’s cousin named “Biscuit” who brought a bag full of THC gummi bears and knowledge on what the universe had in store for all of us.  Also, be sure to question everyone’s fortitude if they do not finish their beer. There is nothing worse than picking up a bunch of half drank beers in the morning, especially after eating a bag full of earlier mentioned THC gummies, 2 bags of marshmallows, a large chocolate bar, and for some reason smoking 2 cigars all after midnight.

Human waste is also a factor. You will want to stay 200 yards from any bed of water so your party’s waste does not contaminate the water supply.  We also know Becky loves to fall asleep in pools on rafts where she almost died on spring break in a Ramada Inn in Fort Lauderdale.  (She then goes home early on spring break, ruining any headway you made on the trip.  Then, when confronted about being more than friends, she tells you that she is still recovering from her misstep and needs to be focused on her. “Damn it when I am going to catch a break!”) 

3.  Campfires

Make sure you take charge of the fire situation right away! It is vital to let everyone know that your way is by far the best way to do it, and move the wood into some sort of tepee looking pentagon.  If you have any issue starting the fire, complain that the wood is too wet, and ask your friends if they have ever been camping before in a manner that makes them question why they are friends with you.  Once you get this fire started, be sure to stay close as possible to your blaze. You will want to talk about your heroic feat to anyone who comes near said fire.  They will want to hear all about it, so offer to show them some time if they have or have not shown any interest.  Be prepared for your one friend who is going to want to jump over the fire.  Of course, this ends in two ways: “John man what are you 15?  No one is impressed” or “Hey, John didn’t make it over the fire and is really hurt. Should we take him to the hospital?”  If it is the latter, be sure one of your friends is a nurse who can still work after two bottles of wine and Whiskey Mule.  They will do a half ass job of taking care of the wound, but it will be enough to take him in the morning, and that is all you will are asking at that point.

4. Respect Wildlife

When camping, you will want to be sure—no matter how drunk you are— to fight the feeling to take a wild animal as your new pet.  As the ego driven creature you are, who believes the entire world is your property, this can be a tough notion to fight when under the influence of your second bottle of wine.  So when that raccoon/baby panda/fur baby makes an appearance, just let it be. You do not want to have the story of when Tina got rabies at the state park.  Also please do not try to rescue any injured animals and call a park ranger.  Don’t go all Jane Goodall and put a splint on a possum because your god chose you to protect this marsupial.  Nay! Call the park ranger and let the pros handle it!  

A lot of campers’ biggest fear is to come face to face with a bear! If you see a black bear, it has been said to make yourself look big by screaming at the bear.  This is easy to do because you are already screaming. When you friends see you charge a bear like a fucking champion, you will get major street cred.  If you see a grizzly bear, just crumple to the ground and be prepared to be dinner. (Do not see a grizzly bear.)  If you see a dragon, it is not real. You are on really good mushrooms and thank Todd for bringing them.  If you see flashing lights and a man in a big hat who is asking you, “Where are you clothes son?” You are naked in the woods, and the ranger wants you to get out of the kids’ playground.  This also means Todd has really good mushrooms!

5. Be mindful of other visitors

Sure, you brought your acoustic guitar and weird Darrell brought a wooden box that he considers some kind of percussion instrument, but you do not sound good.  I know you feel like you are tearing up Simon and Garfunkel covers, like you are opening for Dylan on the lower west side in the early 70’s, but you are both disasters.  You are too drunk to tune your guitar even though you did so for 40 minutes. In reality, you are playing the same three chords poorly and  shouting lyrics.  Darrell in the meantime is smacking around that box like his crotch is on fire and he likes it.  As you make eye contact, you feel like you got a good groove going, but everyone wants you to stop so we can play another game of Cards Against Humanity. Tina, who has recovered from the raccoon bite because your nurse friend jumped into action by cleaning the wound with hard seltzer and a maxi pad as a bandage, is into you.  Well, that was the case until you break into “Round Here” by Counting Crows and start uncontrollably crying in the second verse.  

6.  Enjoy it!

You planned this nightmare, so enjoy what nature has for you! Poison ivy in fun places, Dave smelling gross, Brenda complaining non-stop about every insect, waking up severely hungover, and sleeping on the ground.  This sounds awful, but you have all your life to camp correctly! You have your whole life to have the right gear. Be prepared for everything, but why not take some time with the people you love and make a damn mess out of the whole thing?  Hug that raccoon, smack the shit out of that wooden box, and make out with rabid Tina, because this is where you are supposed to be.

A Simple No-Knead Bread Recipe and a 4 year break up….

6/16/2020

A Satirical blog by Gabe Vetty

I know almost everyone now has seen the no-knead bread recipes that are all over the Internet, but no one has written about them 2 hours after a 4 year relationship just came crashing to an end. So, in the words of Samuel L Jackson, “Hold on to your butts!”

After following a recipe that even a man on his fifth Manhattan could follow, the luscious loaf melting in my mouth was surprisingly far from ugly. See? I have accomplished a lot, Vicki! Oh, it’s been over for a while? Well so are those fucking summer jumpers you like to wear so god damn much. I mean, I am not Gianni Versace, but you are a whore my dear.

Alright, back to the bread. Listen, this is some seriously sticky dough, which is awesome because yeast loves this since it is the perfect environment for it to grow — which must be similar to your vagina because every time I wanted to have sex, you had another yeast infection. It was like you had an English muffin factory inside of your English muffin. I am sorry that’s messed up; it was hereditary, and there was nothing you could do about it. Sure, I am the bad guy! I am always the bad guy! I volunteer at a food bank once a year, Vicki!I care about PEOPLE!

The bread doesn’t take much yeast, which makes it rise slower and helps with depth of flavor. The recipe then calls for you to bake it in a Dutch oven which creates the perfect environment to lock-in the moisture. This create a pillow of bread and a crunchy crust you can eat while you cry to your friend Brent that she was the one.

That is, until it gets uncomfortable for Brent because I guess a man can’t show emotions to another man. I friggin listened to Brent cry for fucking 2 weeks because his cat Dr. Doogie Meowser died. I didn’t give him shit — not one time! Nope! Brent it’s gonna be fine man! It’s cool that you are this upset. We all get attached to our animals. I like to put on cat ears too sometimes. I was there for YOU! But now I am being outlandish because the woman that should have been the mother of my CHILDREN and the LADY that I was supposed to have hold my hand as I DIE, reading to me a notebook I kept…How does that movie go?

Anyway, the one ingredient that is key with this recipe is the yeast. You will want to use instant yeast — about a ½ a teaspoon, which is a little less than traditional dry yeast. This kind of yeast is very reliable and really has nothing to do with speed. I mean I can relate a lot to instant yeast as I am quite a reliable person, and a lot of people are aware of this. Last week at work my boss was like, “Brian your work is very consistent and always accurate, but you need to go above an beyond to advance in your career.” Fuck my boss.

Vicki was all like, “You are a nice guy, but it is the same thing week in and week out. I need to feel like you give a shit if you want this to go anywhere!” What, do you not think I care about things?! Look how much I know about bread! I know our dating anniversary (I think), and I am pretty sure I can remember what you were wearing the first night we met, which was…

Anyway, the recipe below is not like all of this life bullshit. Just stick to the recipe! If you do too much, it won’t work or don’t do all of the steps, it won’t work — no matter how hard you try and save it. Bon Appetite!

2 3/4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/2 teaspoon instant yeast
1 1/3 teaspoons salt
Cornmeal as needed.

1. In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. (Adjust salt if crying. Tears contain more salt than you think.) Add 1 3/4 cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Feel free to throw it against a wall when you think about every time she said you would be together forever. If you are in a blind rage like I am, make sure your dough is covered in flour so it doesn’t stick to the wall.
2. When you are done with your anger, place the dough in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap. She wouldn’t let you use plastic wrap because it killed the dolphins, but I have always hated dolphins. Always! Dolphin show at the aquarium? Hard pass! Not because it’s cruel to dolphins, but because they are too fucking smart. Once you’ve covered the bowl with plastic wrap, let the dough (and your heart) rest at least 12 hours at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.
3. Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly sprinkle flour over a work surface and place dough on top of it; sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes. While you’re waiting, check her Facebook page and read all of her comments to see if you can figure out which guy is moving in on your girl! Once you narrow it down to three lucky assholes, make plans to fight them that you will never follow through on.
4. Using enough flour to keep dough from sticking to the work surface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball. Generously coat a cotton towel with flour and corn meal, put dough seam-side down on towel, and dust with more flour and cornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. While your dough is rising, workout harder than you have ever before. Go on an anger run through the park at a full sprint, only slowing down to scream on your left or right as you blast pass anything in your way! When it is ready, the dough will be more than double in size and will not readily spring back when poked. Now’s the time to take marijuana in some form because you are going to want to calm the hell down.
5. At least 30 minutes before dough is ready, heat oven to 460°F. Put an 8-quart heavy covered pot in the oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up. It may look like a damn disaster, like a lot of your hopes and dreams but that is O.K. Shake the pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will correct itself as it bakes, but you will always be broken and alone. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned.
6. Remove loaf from oven and cool on a rack. Tear off chunk with your bare hands, dip it in too much olive oil, and stare out the window. You will catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection from the window and realize that she sucks, and so do you. 

Johnny Cakes New Album “The Only Man Who Can Do the Job” Drops almost two years early due to Covoid!

June 20, 2020 / Gabe Vetty

Written by Gabe Vetty 6/19/20

Right now a lot of musicians are delaying the release of their new albums do to the coronavirus pandemic, but this Johnny Cakes album is actually coming out early. Johnny was planning to release his album in the fall of 2021, but thought to himself in his words, “The world needs me now more than ever.” His new album is called The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and it will be out next Friday.

A press release describes the album as “exactly like his first 10 albums. A sub-par musician whose ego writes a check his talent can’t cash!” After divorcing his third wife and getting his third DUI, Cakes refused his court ordered addiction counselor and decided to conduct therapy on himself. Cakes was quoted, “I don’t need others to solve my problems. Why would I pay someone to get in my head when I am the only one that is in it?” This, of course, inspired Cakes to write first self-help book: “Screaming In the Mirror: How to Cut Through Your Own Bullshit with Your Own Bullshit.”

Johnny teamed up with some of the best cover bands in East South Carolina including Tommy and the Tone Deafs, I Got Divorced in My Late 40’s, and Yep, We are Still Doing This to get his musical chops back up to par. When asked about their collaboration, Cakes remarked, “You know, playing with these guys made me realize I was really talented. They are great, but can’t bring the house down at a Marina Bar at 8pm like Cakes on the strings!” Johnny still can’t answer questions about the Marina fire he mentioned, as the crime is still under investigation and he is a suspect.

All of these experiences really fueled The Only Man Who Can Do the Job. It can be best described as spoken word poetry yelled over simplistic chords, with lyrics only a sociopathic narcissist can relate to. Though, if you need a laugh and have enough weed, this is the kind of album you can rely on when you need to feel better about yourself. After listening to this album, not keeping up with my CrossFit class and neglecting to take my cat to the vet for 8 years didn’t sound so bad. Johnny is a real piece of shit, but hey, at least you’re not him.

Here is what Cakes had to say about The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and its early arrival:

              I am so glad I could help everyone out with getting this album done two years ahead of schedule. Some people felt like it was rushed, and I would like to fight each one of those cowards. People need this music because most people are scared sheep that keep a light on at night, but not Cakes! They need a man who only sleeps four hours a night because I refuse to admit that I have sleep apnea. The world needs a man that snores so loud he has given himself three hernias in his sleep. The world needs a man who listens to his gut and not what anyone else has to say. So, you better enjoy this album! If you don’t then you and whoever likes and supports you as a person is just too much of a panty waste to even deserve my time.

          Our daily routines have been taken away from us and we should forcefully get them back. After all, in times like these everyone is out for themselves, so you better not be late to the party. This album is believing in the voice that tells you, “You are the best there is” and “Sure, he runs a gym, but I can take him.” It’s an album that takes my fear of change and new ideas and puts them on display for the world to see. My agent told me “Johnny you have to evolve. It has been proven that the keytar as an instrument doesn’t really makes sense anymore and you can do a lot more easily with the new keyboards these days.” I simply hit the gas on my golf cart and ran him over. After he heard the beeps of a reversing golf cart, he definitely saw it my way. Listen, Cakes believes in the people! People have advanced their thinking generation after generation! This has created the kind of life that is more comfortable than ever before, and do you think new ideas got us here? I rest my case.

The Only Man Who Can Do the Job debut’s on CD and Cassette May 15. Johnny does not believe in the Internet, so you will not be able to find him on iTunes or any other streaming service. This makes his music hard to listen to and truly hurts his success as an artist. Johnny, though, remains true to what he believes in because, well, what else does he have at this point? Below are the tracks from his album. I look forward to hopefully finding the alarm clock/CD player in my attic to listen to his music. Rock on Johnny Cakes!!

Track List:

01: “I Am Too Drunk to Drive Out of This Parking Lot”

02: “I Don’t Hug Men”

03: “Bake Me Something Good Woman”

04: “Why Did She Leave Me?”

05: “I Don’t Speak Your Language, So I Am Gonna Yell”

06: “Sleep Hernia Blues”

07: “Scared of Most People”

08:  “Man of Few Words”

09: “I Have Known You for 20 Years and Can’t Spell Your Name”

10: “Nothing Out There Is Good”

11: “The Sprinkler Woke Me Up”

12. “I Thought This Was My House”

6 Must do Road Trip Tips for Parents with Small Children

written by Gabe Vetty 6/25/2020

For all of you new parents out there, summer can mean taking your little bundle of joy on their very first road trip. Some of you might be excited for the challenge; others are already drinking in your closets crying about just the thought of it. The good news is you have no idea of how it is going to go!  You could prepare for everything and it could go all to hell, or you could have done nothing to prepare and it magically goes right.

Kids, like life, are totally unpredictable, so just hang in there and make the best of it. These tips below are just that — to help you make the best of it! So, let’s get the fam on the highway and make it happen!

1. Lower your expectations

This doesn’t just mean stopping more frequently to rest. It means having to stop every hour or two for temper tantrums, car sickness, emotional breakdowns, and bathroom breaks that hopefully happen in the bathroom. Also when you do stop to stretch your legs, it is not just a quick 20 minute get-up and go. You’re in for a 2 hour lunch that seems like 15 minutes at a rest stop Panera which you spend trying to decide if you should email your doctor because your kid licked the side of the bathroom trash can while you were throwing out a blown out diaper.

In hindsight, you might wonder if you made intelligent choices towards your own happiness. The only saving grace in all of this takes place when you look back in the rear view mirror and they are finally napping. You will be overwhelmed with feelings like you are sincerely happy and closer to the true meaning of your life. This will last all of 20 minutes until the now-awake-one throws a stuff animal at her sleeping sister who erupts in a scream that will make you want to pull over the car, get out, and just keep walking through that corn field until you find heaven because you just stepped out of hell.

2.Have a plan

While planning your route, it is imperative to consider pit-stops. Make sure you plan for occasional stops along the way so you are not driving for too long. Apps which predict traffic-flow are a great way to help you estimate when you should stop for meals and bathroom breaks. There is also an app which identifies public restrooms near your location and gives them reviews on cleanliness. These are some amazing tools to really make sure your trip goes off without a hitch!

That is until fifteen minutes into the drive, your five year old has to pee. You were psyched that he just got out of diapers, but now realize that when he has to go, you have to stop. Though, he is a boy, so you pull over on the highway because it’s early and there aren’t many cars on the road. You have a great bonding moment with your son as he takes a whiz on a pine tree and is pretty excited with himself over the incident.

Adrenaline pumping, you get behind the wheel excited to get started again. You are driving for five minutes and now your four year old daughter has to pee. You pull over again to the side of the highway for her to do the same, but your wife can’t get her to pee because the grass tickled her tushy and she says she no longer has to go. You start driving again; she is now screaming she has to pee, so you take the first exit and stop at a sketchy 7-Eleven. Hey, they are open. Now that everyone has used the bathroom, you are running over an hour and a half behind already. You will now hit the early rush hour in the city you were trying to miss and basically are absolutely screwed. You realize your plan is shit and you are proper fucked. Have a plan but do not be afraid to refer to tip number 1 here. 

3.Pack your car like a pro!

Try and pack the car the night before once the kids go to sleep. Take your time packing to be sure you do not forget anything important. Also, try to pack the things you will not need further in the back. This way, you can easily get to the things you may need on the drive. If your kids are still in diapers, make sure the changing supplies are easy to get to as well as a change of clothes in case things go awry. If you have toddlers, keep snacks in the front seat and have toys in the back seat to keep them entertained. These tips will go a long way to be sure you have a smooth ride to your destination.

Just so you know, you will forget an important item no matter what you do. When you ask your wife, “Honey where are the white noise machines?” She’ll hesitate, and then,

“Didn’t you grab them when you woke them up to put them in the car?” … No.

“I thought I was getting the kids and you were getting the monitors?”

“Michael I do not know where your pacifier is”

“Just give him another one?”

“They are packed in the pack and play all the way in the back”

“Why you would put them in there?”

“Just play your tablet some more sweet heart we will be there soon”

“Daddy my tummy doesn’t feel good…I think I am going to be…sick…”

“I want pretzels!!!! PRETZELSSSSS!!!!”

“We brought granola bars and animal crackers eat them!” 

“PRETZELSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!” 

Please kindly refer to number 1 if you don’t mind.

4. Hop in the back seat when things go bad!

At some point, the kid will have had enough and one of you will have to go back there. If you have more than one child, it could mean wedging yourself between two car seats in an SUV you wish was bigger. Be careful when you sit down because it will be wet! You may ask how I know that but I promise you the seat will be wet.

Your kid will be in full meltdown mode when you reach the back seat, so make sure you come prepared with something chocolate. This always works. When you get back there you will find the ability to calm your child down, and you will feel really good about things. Then after about 15 minutes, the toy you have been sitting on starts to get to you and you realize that your feet are on a cooler which will hurt the whole circulation in your little old legs. It sinks in that you are trapped in a box for the next hour before they decide to take a nap. Really you will have some amazing moments bonding with your child as you truly comfort them. Meanwhile, your body is doing the slowest, most painful yoga of its life. Then from the front seat, “Wait Waze re-routed us? Thirty minutes were added on.”

“Great!…My ass is wet!”

5. Make a playlist

If you can sync your phone with your speakers, create a playlist that you and the kids enjoy! Of course this doesn’t exist, and you will end up listening to the same cartoon soundtrack over and over. You will have dreams of your kids jamming out to your favorite tunes of your lifetime, but they will hate them and actively boo your music selection. This for some reason will hurt your feelings and you’ll wonder if you are raising rude ungrateful children who deserve to be strapped to the hood of the car for the rest of the ride unless they can immediately love Prince!

Eventually your kids will fall in love with one of your tunes, and when you both are rocking out, it will be pure magic. This is not that day. This is a road trip, and you are going to listen to the Bubble Guppies soundtrack for the fifth time and like it. So, Let’s go Crazy!!!!

6.Be prepared for everything. (This is impossible)

You can bring a first aid kit, puke bucket, all of the medicine, sunblock, bug spray, jumper cables, flares, towels to wipe up messes, but you are going to screw up. You are going to forget something, you are going to lose your patience, there will be unexpected traffic, and that is fine.  You have a family and that’s what it is. Through this comes amazing stories, personal growth, and a deeper bond with your kids. So do not be hard on yourself when it all goes wrong. It is supposed to; do your best to go with the flow no matter how much is put in your way. Also, I should mention that when it all goes right and the kids sleep, use the bathroom when you need to and have a blast the whole time. It will feel amazing!

Though, as you get to the destination, you know the return trip will be a puke-fest anger-fiesta which will be talked about for years. Both are wonderful in their own way. Okay the smooth ride is better, but let’s put some sunshine on the latter.

Tips on a Soul Saving Home Garden from a Public Relations Professional

Written by Gabe Vetty 7/9/2020

I work for a very successful PR agency in Boston, so my life is always on the go. After I was diagnosed with hypertension, I realized I needed something in my life to keep me grounded. So I turned to (you guessed it!) the ground, and I started a garden! Armed with the wisdom of a single growing season, I wanted to share some best practices and some challenges I ran into along the way so that you can cultivate your own soul-saving garden. Put down your smart phone and pick up shovel. It is time to get back in touch with the earth.

How to Grow Your Own Carrots

First and foremost, be sure to sow carrot seeds in shallow soil so that moisture is maintained in the top layer. This constant moisture around the seeds will help them to germinate. I was totally going to do this, but my smart phone buzzed while I was reading this step, and I couldn’t help but notice that all of my friends were going to this beer festival which seemed like fun! Based on my MacBook events calendar, it looked like there was another street festival in downtown Boston which looked like fun, too. Plus, it looked like Brent was going to be there, and last time we hung out, we had a really good time. Like, we connected, ya know? So maybe I should go to the festival? Hmm, but Sara is still pissed that I skipped out on our last girl’s weekend, so she will be heated if I miss this. Wow, this is so hard! Unfortunately, all of that decision making and stalking Brent’s social media page distracted me from planting the carrots correctly which caused them to die, but soooooooo excited to see Brent 🙂

Be very careful with your carrot bed to ensure the soil is loose and free from stone and other debris. I read this step like 40 times, but for life of me could not find the time to clear the soil. I was seriously going to do this, but it started to rain. Next thing I know, I’m binge watching this show on Netflix hard core. Listen, I found a documentary which explores how humans can only process so much information and retain it. It was so interesting, but I got a text from my boss to see if I could go to this restaurant opening the next day, then an alert that my new yoga mat was delivered, followed by another alert that my favorite singer’s tickets go on sale, and by the time I looked up from the phone, it was over. Then I started watching British dating shows where all these hot people live on this island, but can only talk to each other using puppets while nude. I mean, it was weird, but kind of hot. Watching a nude man who does his own wood working connect with a woman using nothing but a hippo puppet is what it is all about, right? Right?!

All carrots can be harvested immature as baby roots which are usually tender and sweet. They can also be left to reach their full size, shape, and color if you’re willing to wait forever. I did not get to experience this at all since all of my carrots died. It’s just that June was so busy with work and friends that I really couldn’t get into it, you know? I mean I wanted to, but I had so much to do! First there was the festival, and then I had to make it up to Sara. Then I had to travel for work and, oh yeah, meet with my family for my Mom’s birthday (who said I look so nice, like a model for one of those clothing companies Hitch and Fix. Makes sense since I get my clothes from there. At least I look good when I have no time think!)

How to Grow Your Own Beets

I was on my way to brunch and scrolling through my Insta when I saw one of my favorite trend setters enjoying this amazing beet and goat cheese salad on her page.  It looked so good! So good that I was almost hit by truck as I missed the DON’T WALK sign at the cross walk while admiring the salad on my phone.  When I got to brunch, I couldn’t believe they had the same salad. I couldn’t help myself and screamed with delight!  I mean, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through me after cheating death, so a girl is going to be fired up to score a beat and goat cheese salad.  This salad was so delicious, it inspired me to grow my own beets at home.

Beets like cool weather, so you want to plant them at the end of the summer.  Plus, these guys can handle droughts pretty well and even tolerate partial shade.  It seemed like there was no way I could screw these up, which was great because I was having a lot of bad luck.  You know how I was almost hit by that truck? Well, I guess that was foreshadowing. As I was leaving the grocery store with my beat seeds, I got this my alert on my smart watch that I needed to check my email.  So, as I was walking getting my phone out of my purse, I slipped off the side walk and tripped into the street where a bike messenger slammed into me.  I was fine.  I mean, I had a little concussion and a sprained wrist.  I couldn’t believe it. There were also actual tire tracks up my back where the bike literally ran me over, so I guess, like the beet, I can take a little punishment too.

If you planted your beets in late summer, you can let them grow until the first frost.  If you are looking for great beet roots, you will want to wait for 3 months but if you are just looking for the greens, you should see results in about a month.  Listen, I got sooo mad the other day when it literally took like 20 seconds for my phone to connect to my stereo Bluetooth.  So, yeah, a month for my beets will work.  I mean your stereo is like right there, and all I want to do is listen to my podcast.  I was just sitting in there in complete silence for 20 seconds with nothing to do.  It was so maddening.  I felt like screaming!!! 

If you are planting your beets in the spring, they can be sowed directly outdoors a month before the last frost. You will want to stagger another planting in a few weeks so you can keep the greens and beets coming a bit longer.  I mean, I definitely did the first planting, but couldn’t make the second because I fell down the steps at my friend’s house while checking my step-count for the day on my phone.  I didn’t see how many steps I had logged, but I fell down 12.  I mean I just got a severely sprained ankle, but my doctor warned me this was my second concussion in two months and both were brought on by being on my phone. I have a problem, I have been told. (Eyeroll)

Anyway, you should see germination in about a week, but the seeds you’ll plant are pods.  Watch what comes up and be ready to thin them out a bit once they begin to sprout.  After they show leaves, you want to thin the plants to be a few inches apart so they can grow to their full potential. Wow, I can’t believe I have had so many accidents in the last month all while trying to plant these beets. In fact, on my way home from physical therapy the other day, I accidently ran my car into my garage at my town house.  I mean I was texting so it was my fault, but it was still scary.  I didn’t get any sympathy from my friends at all.  They were just like, “You are on your phone all of the time and it’s a problem…It’s physically killing you!”  I mean, I wish I could tell them to beet it! … Get it? … Whatever, I am fine!

The tops of the beets will start to show or “shoulder” when they are close to harvest time. You should wait to harvest the little ones until about 50 to 70 days after you planted them.  These beets will have better texture and flavor if you let them grow.  You will want to pull the beets out by hand a day after you water them, but do your best to try and not cut the skin.  This would have been easier if I didn’t have to wear this brace on my hand because guess who has carpal tunnel?! I mean, don’t old ladies have that?! I guess I am on my computer too much.  I guess I can’t do much right these days.  So frustrating! Anyway, I was able to grow a few of these, believe it or not.  I mean, it did feel good to make a beet salad with my own beets, and they were sooooo good.  I actually just ate them on my back deck without my phone and it was really nice.  Beets are an awesome plant if you are new to gardening and just starting out.  I mean I could barely keep myself alive this month and still pulled it off. 

How to Grow Your Own Tomatoes

It is super easy and inexpensive to grow tomatoes from seed, so you should definitely give it a shot. First, decide what kind of tomato you want to grow. If you want organic tomatoes, you should buy organic seeds. When I first learned this I was like Whatttt?! Like, if I am growing it, isn’t that as organic as it gets? Well, I was listening to this podcast on my phone and learned that many “conventional” seeds are genetically engineered by these huge companies and they control all of the world’s food. I know, crazy, right?! Then the seeds actually kill bees and maim shelter dogs! Oh, that might not be right. Sometimes I listen to podcasts and read on my kindle at the same time. Yeah, that’s probably not right.

If you want to harvest your tomatoes all at once, you will want to buy determinate varieties.  If you would like them to bear over a long period, you will want to buy the indeterminate variety. If you are like me, you do not have time to look up what determinate means, so you just pick up seeds at Whole Foods next to the quinoa. I mean, I am just growing tomatoes in my backyard, not starting a farm. Me on a farm? All dirty and gross? Who has time for that?

Once you decide on and purchase your seeds, next you will be ready to plant them in the soil! Dampen the soil before you plant, but not too much so it is dripping wet. This is where I went wrong. I was trying to take a selfie for Insta, but I could not get both the sunset and me planting the seed for the life of me. I mean the lighting was soooooo good though! Literally perfect. By the sixth picture, the soil was looking like a cookies-and-cream milkshake from this hot new ice cream place downtown. Those are soooo good!! I really shouldn’t, but they are so good.

OMG OK! So weird! Guys, an add for that ice cream place just popped up on my social media feed! Ahhh I hate it when it does that!! Totally going to post the add on my feed though because it looks AMAZING!

Anyways, you will want to make a ¼ inch hole in the potting mix, put in about two or three seeds, and cover with potting mix. I totally nailed this, but then spilled my damn designer milkshake right into the container with the soil. I tried to clean it up with a towel, but the soil got all caked in the fabric. It was disgusting. Damn you, Internet advertising!!

After the seeds have been planted, put the container somewhere warm and sunny for about 10 days so they can germinate. I put a reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget, but it sat for 20 days because I received the alert at the same time as an alert that my yoga mat was here.  I mean, I’ve ordered a yoga mat before, but this actress I follow got this one that helps with circulation and somehow blocks UV rays incase I want to do it outside.  I can totally meet my friend Donna in the park tomorrow morning for yoga, but am going to have to hustle home because I have a meeting at my office at 10am with new clients.  I can just stay up late tonight and prepare for the meeting so I can wake up early to go to yoga and use my mat in the morning.  That yoga is going to be so relaxing. #Zenyall

When the seedlings are two inches tall and have several sets of actual leaves, it’s time to pot them outside. I couldn’t believe mine made it this far even though I left them to germinate for 20 days and dumped that milkshake all over them! Amazing!

To help transition the plants outside, transplant the seedlings to larger pots. It is recommended that you find a container at least 4 inches in diameter for each plant. I was determined not to spill anything this time when planting them, so I kept my milkshake far away from the plant. Plant them a little deeper than before to encourage the roots to spread deep into the soil. I was actually able to accomplish this as well! Crazy right?! I mean, I had nothing better to do since my Internet was out and, of course, my phone died so I was charging it my car.

When you are ready to plant your tomatoes outside in your garden, you will want to plant them deep enough up for the soil to touch the first two leaves. This will make them stockier and stronger! This step took place for me around the same time my Internet was still down and I accidentally dropped my cell phone in a river while rafting with my friends. It was crazy. Tammy almost died! We went rafting with the boys and she got thrown from the raft in some level 5 rapids. Lucky Keith our guide (Super Dreamy by the way and would have looked amazing naked with an otter puppet or something) dove in and totally saved her.  On the drive home we told so many stories it was so awesome and relaxing! Exactly what I needed!  Anyways, I didn’t have as many distractions this time, so the tomatoes survived!

Some tips for taking care of your tomato plants while they’re growing:

• Pick a sunny location. Tomatoes are great for both container gardening and/or in-ground gardens, but will need ample sunlight in either setting.
• Drench the plants with water. Do this once immediately after planting them, and then continue to water them thoroughly every day. Keep an eye on the soil to make sure it dries out between watering. Once the weather gets warm, they will definitely flower.
• Tomatoes are prone to disease so be sure to give them regular water, leave room between plants for good air circulation, and keep an eye on them to catch any problems. Also, don’t get carried away with planting a lot of seeds. Two plants are plenty for two people.
• Stake the plant while it is still young and small. Supporting the plant’s branches will help it grow larger fruit. You want to do this right away so as to not disturb the roots while they’re working underground to develop a robust system.
• Be patient. If you do all of this, your tomatoes will come out amazing!

So, if you’ve learned anything from my gardening advice, you know you will want to start by doing some research and then get the hell off your phone. Once my Internet went down and I didn’t have my phone, I really could concentrate on taking care of my garden. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I used the Internet to get all of my information in the first place, but it was kinda nice. I love my friends and my stuff, but they can’t take care of my garden so I needed to focus on that shit. I realized I really wanted to be able to grow my own food, and it would be so cool if I could depend on myself for food. Gourmet milkshakes are soooooooooo good, but that garden is where it’s at.

A Sneaker Head Blog Review of the Jam Sesh

written by Gabe Vetty 7/14/2020

I woke up early this particular morning, which just doesn’t happen on a Sunday.  My friends and I were out in Downtown Brooklyn late last night, and I can definitely feel it in every pore of my being.  I needed coffee and some kind of bread.  It did not matter if it came via bagel, biscuit, or baguette; I needed carbs to cure what ailed me.

Walking out of my local coffee shop, sipping my coffee and a breakfast sandwich in hand, I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction as if I had hunted and struck down this meal myself. As I took the last bite of my turkey, egg, and spinach panini, I thought Is this why I am here?  I thought about everything I had been working towards in my life, and it all seemed to be in the pursuit of my entertainment.  I was saving money for hockey tickets, music concerts, and vacations.  I was working for clothes I heard were cool, comedy classes so I could entertain, but really all of this was to entertain myself.  It suddenly dawned on me that nothing I truly cared about or was working towards varied from being entertained.  Even the women I was involved with were strictly for my entertainment.  I just wanted the experience of being in a relationship—the give and take—but I could not give, as I had let my ego completely take over everything about me.  To be honest, it didn’t feel terrible.  I was surrounded by beautiful, talented, and entertaining people just like me.

When you give your ego the keys, you are not able to trust your feelings anymore.  Like Mark Twain said, “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”  I realized I had to look at everything differently. I had to find God, the purpose of living, or just who I was. Just as I was thinking that any of those three would do, that’s when I saw it!  The reason we were all put on this planet just walked right by me: The Jam Sesh High Top!

—

This new release of the Jam Sesh combine the wisdom of Greek philosophers, religious mystics, and the teachings of the most respected thinkers in human history.  The Jam Sesh High Top will give you the answer to all of life’s questions and the ability to attack the rim on any punk ass bitch that tries to step to you on the court or in life.  The iconic logo streaking down the outside of the shoe gives you the feeling of staring into an eternal abyss. Like my man Freddy Nietzsche says, “When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks right back you.”  The way the leather is double stitched into the mesh fabric reminds us that we are a part of everything around us.  This sneaker sticks out from the crowd, but also helps you realize that your life and your path are ultimately chosen by you, and the universe will support you in that calling.  Be at peace my son, and chat up that fly ass honey giving you the eye because you got on a set of Jam Sesh sneakers.

The Jam Sesh was originally released in the mid-2000’s to little fan fair.  The shoes were originally made for the short-lived sport of street luge. Besides a few-year run on the X Games, the design never got national attention.  Carl Jung once said, “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell,” and that can be said about the original Jam Sesh.  The soles of the shoes are made 8 inches thick to help with the breaking of a fast moving street luge board, but are impossible to wear casually.  Also with the name of Jam Sesh, people who mistake it for a basketball shoe would be surprised to learn it was made for street luge.  Still, the Jam Sesh did gain popularity with short JV basketball players and the street luge community. Unfortunately, that was not enough to keep the shoe in production.

This sneaker truly evolved from a short tween’s basketball shoe in the 2000’s to now, 15 years later, the only thing that will give you meaning in a world full of false idols and manicured marketing.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said, “Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life.  It is something molded.” Sike molded this shoe’s sole, alright, by reducing it 4 inches!  The new-and-improved sleek design makes you look ready for Vegas’ hottest night clubs, not back surgery. You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey Brent, all this sounds great, but how has a sneaker shown you the meaning of life?”   

Whether you feel like you need another 4 inches to make the basketball team or need to slow down after speeding 70 mph down a steep hill while 4 inches from the ground, this shoe will do the job. If you need a reason to live, the key to unlock the answers of the universe, or just some help figuring out that only you can give yourself the ability to be happy, this is the shoe for you.  I mean how can a shoe so ill-conceived be so popular?  How could such a terrible idea bring so much clarity to my life?  For me, there is meaning in everything now, even the Jam Sesh High Tops.

Terrible British Poets of the English Renaissance

by Gabe Vetty 7/29/2020

n your history classes you learn about the events in the past from the winner’s point of view.  In this blog I would like to celebrate the worst of the worst!  Below you will learn about four truly terrible British poets during the English Renaissance.  These gentlemen lacked talent but dared to be really bad at poetry.  Today everyone likes to show the perfect image of themselves, so it is nice to be able to celebrate our flaws and failures.  Cheers!

Romantic Period (1785-1832)

Alfred (Miller) Furnt was a god awful poet during the Romantic Period of poetry in England in the late 1700s.  He was known for using nonsense words to describe the world around him.  Since he was not successful in any way, his poems “Flappel,” “Rumpskyumsky,” and “Burfing” are not known by many nor should they be read.  Instead, here is an excerpt from Furnt’s diary to give you a glimpse of who the man was.

Diary Entry of Alfred Furnt:

The of love of my life, how can I put into words what you mean to me?  I look for the words in the stars, I look for the words in the sea, but alas they do not exist.  If I am to truly speak of what you mean to me, these words must come from one’s soul. So as I sit here upon this mountain top looking out over these sumptuous lands, my soul whispers one word: Furnt.

I’ll be honest, my darling, I am not sure what this word means, but it is you, my beauty. As I whisper the word furnt out to the shadows of the night, they paint me a picture of you looking out the window, sipping your tea, and smiling back at me.  We may be apart now, but I know these months will roll by faster than the way my heart beats every time I see you.  Oh! Furnt is not just a word, it is every part of you.  When the weather turns warm and you wear nice spring dress for the first time, furnt! When we share a glass of wine in the evening on a moonlit beach with the stars dancing your eyes, furnt!  When I hold your hands and look into your eyes the day we are to be wed, my dear, furnt! 

My beauty, you are humble and I know you can be made uncomfortable with such flattery, but I have changed my family name of Miller to Furnt to honor your true beauty.  I look forward to seeing you in the fall so we can continue our courtship. I will finally lay my eyes on my dear lady who is known in the diary of my soul simply as Furnt.

With all my love,

Alfred Furnt

The Neoclassical Period (1600–1785)

John Flyer was a disaster as a poet and as a person.  While most poets of the time looked to the Greek poets and philosophers for inspiration, Flyer was writing about his neighbor, Dirk.  Flyer wrote 3,000 poems complaining about Dirk and his family.  He wrote poems like “Your Kids Are Banshees and Should Be Drowned,” “Keep Your Horse Out of My Sight,” and “Dirk the Wanker and His Wildly Wankin’ Family.”  These bitter poems were a departure from most poets who spoke to themes much more grounded and realistic. Below is a poem Flyer wrote after he accused his neighbor of never returning an oil lamp he lent him.

Dirk the Turd

Dirk, I know you have it

Without it, my house is dark and I keep hitting my head on shit

You pretend not to know what I am talking about

Even fake falling asleep as I shout

Wake up you idiot give me my damn lamp

If you keep this up, I will pass out pamphlets to the village on how your wife is disgusting tramp!

I see it! There it is, behind you in your kitchen! I knew it was in your possession

Don’t you pants me! Your brut you are bigger than me, but you will suffer repercussions

I stand here pant-less, but undeterred

Give me the lamp, Dirk you turd

The Renaissance Period (1500–1660)

Gilbert the Saucy was a political poet who hated the King of England and his entire royal party.  Gilbert claims he was run over by the king’s carriage, and when his guards stopped the carriage to pick up Gilbert, they used him as a human carpet to cover a puddle so the ladies in the royal party would not get their dresses wet.  This, of course, left a bad taste in Gilbert’s mouth when it came to the crown.  He then dedicated his life to crashing Royal parties and screaming out his poetry at inappropriate times during the event. He would be put in jail for his crimes, but the king was not well-liked so Gilbert the Saucy was always able to “escape.” The following poem was shouted out during the spring Mayday celebration.  Gilbert dressed himself like a young girl and pranced around the May pole, but as the song began to climax, he stepped away and began to shout at the Royal Party.

How I Would Like to Kick You in the Jewels

Spring paints our countryside in green and beauty

Though even with the annual rebirth of our land, kicking you betwixt your legs is my duty

In your best spring silks, so grotesque and sweaty

Oh how I would like to give your jewels a punt, I am ready

When you are rambling on to your public all stupid and fat

We can’t pay attention to what you say because all we can think about is round housing you in the sack

Sure you have won some wars, cheers to that,

We have accumulated more land under our flag

The riches will fill all our velvet bags

Though rich in wealth, he is fat as this cat

Why do we put up with a leader who we know is a rat?

Middle English Period (1066–1500)

Turnkel of Bumbleberry was a monk-turned-farmer who lived in the late 1100’s and wrote a series of poems about his misfortune in life.  He was kicked out of the monastery for failing to uphold his daily chores.  Seems like a rather innocent digression, but he was said to have caused 3 fires and the death of several livestock when he was assigned to simply milk the cows.  He was finally thrown out of the monastery when he burned down half of the Village of Inflago, which let’s be honest, was asking for it. He settled down in the town of Bumbleberry after, where he did much of his writing as he worked a farm.  Below is one of his poems depicting a normal day on the farm for Turnkel.

My Peace, My Love, My Farm

I woke up this morning looking for peace

Though none would be found for I am cursed

But these nips from a thousand nits will never cease

Oh to be free of my life’s misfortune you may take my purse

When I woke up the sky was peaceful but my day was up to its usual discourse

I went to milk the cow and her utter exploded

I ran for help but the barn imploded

As I turned back to look at the disaster my mind eroded

I went to mount my horse and ride into town for help

The steed bit me and stomped me into the ground my pride had folded

I check my crops to see how they are growing and I yelp

They were on fire how did this take place

Ahh lightning! If only it would have chosen my face

Now my sweet Abigail helps me face this everyday

Even with all of the misfortune she still decides to stay

As I walk into the house to tell her of today’s

She makes me feel like the day was not a complete abortion

Though I was blasted by the utter of a bovine

Bit by a horse of mine

The barn fell to the ground

And my crops now smolder in a smoky mound

Abigail has dinner waiting

And I am so lucky she can’t hear a sound.

My problems are just words which she does not know

Images only last for a moment high or low

Emotions last a life time and this we understand

Even though life has its misfortune, I still have her hand.

7 Tips to Improve your Yoga Manners

Written by Gabe Vetty 8/6/2020

During the pandemic, a lot of us are searching for an inner peace which was lacking in our lives even before The Great Pause.  Now that many of us are spending a lot more time at home, we are looking for things we can do to achieve this with what we have access to.  A great way to get mentally and physically healthy is yoga.  Yoga is a group of physical, mental, and spiritual practices which originated in ancient India.  You will be introduced to many postures, breathing techniques, and paths of thought to explore you as you get deeper into this practice. Due to the circumstances of the pandemic, a lot of you will start your yoga practice virtually. I wanted to give you some tips to keep in mind when it is safe to attend a yoga class again. So, without further ado, my seven tips to make your first yoga class a success:

1. Show up clean

Most yoga studios are not very large, so if you arrive already smelling funky, it is going to be hard to reach any kind of tranquility. I mean, training for that half-marathon is great, and what could be better than bragging to a captive audience about your training regimen during your post-training-run stretch?  This might sound great to you, but you’re coming into a tranquil setting and smelling like a trash can will distract everyone from a great experience.  Also, you will also suffer from pit, back, and butt sweat stains on your clothes.  I know you think everyone will be in the same boat, but just know your boat is different, and it smell like a trash barge in the Hudson River.  Just take the time to grab some clean workout clothes (and maybe a shower) so you can come in refreshed and ready to focus on your inner Zen.

2. Do not refuse to use a yoga mat

Listen, I get it. No one likes to be told what to do, but man those yoga mats are useful.  You will be surprised how much your feet sweat, and next thing you know, you will be tasting the yoga studio floor during downward dog.  You might think people would feel bad for you, but I guess some people took it the wrong way when class started late because someone got in a shouting match with the instructor about not using one.  I mean, I would have been fine in my basketball shoes but nooo evidently my shoes were squeaking so much, it sounded like an NBA Playoff game in the back of the room … Anyway, I lost a tooth.  I mean, the poor guy lost a tooth when his face impacted the yoga floor, so just use a mat. It’s safer for everyone!

3. Try not to eat

Make sure you are not hungry during your yoga class.  Be sure to eat a small meal before or maybe a small snack on the way there so you are not distracted.  We all have busy schedules, but there is no excuse for trying to eat a Subway Turkey Club foot long during a hot yoga session (I have been told).  If you do attempt to eat during yoga, especially a sub, you are going to run into a lot of issues.  Breathing can be difficult in poses, especially if you are inverted while chewing.  Dressing or mayo might drip on your yoga mat, causing slippery conditions.  Plus, you may be judged by your fellow yoga participants since everyone has different beliefs when it comes to the 5 second rule.  So, it is best to leave the food out of the studio, (but Subway does make a nice club and at times it has taken me to a place of Zen. Just saying!)

4. Don’t talk trash

Even if you are a competitive person, yoga is not a place to talk to trash to your fellow yogi’s.  Some postures are easier than others.  If you are nailing a Mayursana pose and the person next to you is struggling, it’s not cool to say, “Do you even stretch bro?”  Also, if someone is doing a pose wrong, it is not appropriate to boo them even if you think it might be a learning moment for them.

It is also important to remember that you are learning and won’t be perfect at every pose. So, when your instructor does a pose that you find challenging, you should not yell, “Get a job you dirty hippy! Nobody loves you!”  That, I have been told, is way over the top and not helpful in anyway.  Yoga is all about quieting your mind, so you need to do the same with your mouth. Though, I still like to whisper “I am better than you” to the instructor as I leave every class.  I feel like it sets a tone that I am on a path to yoga domination, and I also have been told I still really don’t understand yoga.

5. Don’t look at someone’s butt too long

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Man this guy is a perv!” Let’s all be honest here. You are going to look at a butt or two.  Don’t assume it is just good butts; there are many bad butts. There are also those, “Man that’s one boring butt,” but you are definitely going to look at some butts during yoga.  You will want to use a glancing technique that has been perfected throughout the years.  Start by looking towards a neutral object, moving your head towards it, but on the journey to seeing said object, get a good look at that butt you want to check out.  If you are fascinated by tushies, you’ll want to keep that in mind.  Say you get locked in on this guy who has the most boring butt you have ever seen.  I mean, that butt is like the DMV of butts, and next thing you know he is glaring at you. Then, after enduring the stare-down, you get yelled at in a parking lot that you are some kind of deviant.  Listen, you are going to have to look at a butt whether you like it or not; just keep it moving.

6. Wear comfortable clothes

You might hear terms like “movement clothes” and immediately want to fight the person who said it, but they are a good idea.  Some fabrics like denim, corduroy, and leather are not great for yoga so you’ll want to stay away from them.  If you wear any of these fabrics to a yoga class, your body is going to make noises that are confusing for everyone.  You should not where a hooded sweat shirt during yoga either, no matter how comfortable it is.  I mean, yeah, you want to get your sweat on, but that hood is going to haunt you like that boring butt you saw last class.  Every pose it will flop down over your head and eventually you will lose your mind and tear it off of you, throwing it across the studio yelling, “I made a bad choice!”  People will think you have anger issues, and you will be asked to sign a slip of paper which states that if you have another outburst, you will need to leave the studio indefinitely. 

7. Don’t slowly undress during hot yoga class

Hot yoga comes as advertised, and it is friggin’ ridiculously hot.  You are going to want to dress for a warm environment at the very start.  I made the mistake of wearing sweatpants, but luckily they were the tear away basketball type. I have been told if you rip them off like you have been subbed into a Final Four game, it can be distracting and to just come in shorts.  Also, if you do need to remove your shirt, it is frowned upon to swing said shirt above your head and say, “Daddy likes it hot” to the yoga class.  Even though it IShilarious, there is no place for it in the yoga studio. There should be no scenario where you end a yoga class in just your underwear, no matter how hot the class is.  Even if you get a little discombobulated by the heat and walk through the lobby to your car in your tighty-whities, it is still considered public indecency and can be misdemeanor if arrested in most cities. Yoga can deal you some tough breaks, so stay focused and have some fun out there!