Written by Gabe Weigle 2/25/21

With the COVID-19 pandemic continuing in the United States, a lot of us are staying connected with our friends via social media. Unfortunately, social media is now designed to include robust marketing efforts and annoying advertisements each time we check in on our friends. Add this to the marketing messages which seep into everything else we do these days, and it can be really overwhelming. So, as we all look for space to unplug from the beast that is electronic media, I wanted to share some of my favorite tips to unplug and get some peace.

Stay Off Social Media an Hour Before Bed

Social media triggers our emotions, so it is best to stay off these little hypnotic devices before bed time. I mean, it is a lot of fun to think about how racist Aunt Lisa is before bed and how the history of our country has ignored so many flaws for so long in this country. Now that they are coming to light, maybe I can make a quilt or help write some poetry to really help people relate to people better. Oh man, I think I left the lasagna out on the counter. Phew! I am getting so  forgetful during this pandemic. That reminds me! I need to buy more sweatpants. Has John texted me back? I hope he is okay… Oh man, I hope he doesn’t have it! I’ll call him tomorrow.

Sure, it is a blast thinking about saving a country, sweatpants, pandemics, and mental health, but let’s try to keep it to “Damn, this comforter is fly!” before bed.

Turn Off Your Push Notifications

Your favorite chef posted a new recipe, your favorite baseball team just scored… you do not need to know this while your wife is giving birth. I mean, just imagine looking at your newborn son, only to look away because a company wants to know if they did a good job delivering your new French-press. It is freaking terrible that I am sure this has happened. So, instead of losing your children constantly because you got an alert from NPR that Ebola is back somehow, maybe schedule some time to read through the news. You need to make your smartphone a tool that works for you and not a tool that works for marketers. Schedule some phone time to check up on your info, and then lose your phone in the couch where it belongs.

Use One Device to Check Social Media

It is a good idea to keep social media off your phone and just on your laptop. This will stop you from anger-posting, which is a lot easier on your phone than your laptop. If you tend to get irate over how your coffee was prepared, instead of rage-texting, give yourself the ride home to think about how damn lucky you are in the first place, asshole. Maybe chill on the coffee post? Plus, you just got some killer new shades, and that’s  got you looking mad sexy! Let the gram-fam drink in that dope shit!*

*As a 40 year old man, I really enjoyed talking like this. If you are old give it a try! It will make your day and your late 20 and 30 acquaintances really uncomfortable.

Give Yourself a Time Limit

A lot of people set aside a specific amount of time to utilize social media, which is great way to make sure you are not spending too much time on the internet. I set an emotional time limit. After I say, “What the hell is this?!” three times, I know it’s time to get off the internet. This could be any variation of: “What the hell is this? I didn’t know I could re-grow my hair?! YIPPIE Ki Yaaaay!” Or, “What the hell is this? Are we still arguing climate change is a thing?! Can we just start to try and figure it out now?!!!” Both of these statements stir my emotions, so I need to log off on the third, “What the hell?!” Otherwise, I might go off on a loved one about exaggerating their sneezes. There is no way that’s how you sneeze, Aunt Donna! That is ridiculous!!!!

Don’t Eat While on Social Media

When you are scrolling through social media, try not to be eating food. You will be so engrossed in your former college friends’ actions and political beliefs that you didn’t realize you just ate an entire Footlong Subway sub, a leftover cookie from Panera, and somehow didn’t notice you were actually driving a vehicle as well. You can also damage your devices when spitting out your BLT all over the keyboard because Anna’s husband Chris decided to post his wife’s placenta on social media after she gave birth to their first child. Chris you need to calm the hell down!

Do Not Take It Too Seriously

You already know reading the comments on this political news story is going to be friggin’ nuts! You know it’s going to piss you off and make you hate society. You know you are gas-lighting yourself, and you love it so much. You are emotionally invested in the fight with John Miller from Points Unknown who thinks the world is flat and Bill Gates who is controlling us through Bagel Bites. Even though you know this person is wrong and is probably fighting some demons to believe in that shit, you still hate their guts. Now you have to put energy towards hating a person you will never meet, which is hard when you also need every bit of energy to put on pants everyday. I mean, when you have to face another day in a world of very necessary ninja masks, you need as much energy as possible. So, skip the comment section and call an actual person who maye just finished the first season of “Bridgerdon.” I guarantee you it will be like hugging a puppy made of hope and joy!

Live a Life With Actual People and Stuff

There is a life out there, so we need to be sure we are actually participating in it. It is all well and good to be out there posting all the right things on social media, but if your neighbor —uhhh, Tim or Dave? has a new hip, you better wait to stream a new episode and help that dude get his groceries out of his car. Sure, his car has a small cartoon man peeing on a Chevrolet logo, but he’s a human who needs a little help, so help that dude! Then you get to live off that I am fucking wonderful mojo for a little bit, which is the best mojo by far!