written by Gabe Weigle 6/25/2020
For all of you new parents out there, summer can mean taking your little bundle of joy on their very first road trip. Some of you might be excited for the challenge; others are already drinking in your closets crying about just the thought of it. The good news is you have no idea of how it is going to go! You could prepare for everything and it could go all to hell, or you could have done nothing to prepare and it magically goes right.
Kids, like life, are totally unpredictable, so just hang in there and make the best of it. These tips below are just that — to help you make the best of it! So, let’s get the fam on the highway and make it happen!
- Lower your expectations
This doesn’t just mean stopping more frequently to rest. It means having to stop every hour or two for temper tantrums, car sickness, emotional breakdowns, and bathroom breaks that hopefully happen in the bathroom. Also when you do stop to stretch your legs, it is not just a quick 20 minute get-up and go. You’re in for a 2 hour lunch that seems like 15 minutes at a rest stop Panera which you spend trying to decide if you should email your doctor because your kid licked the side of the bathroom trash can while you were throwing out a blown out diaper.
In hindsight, you might wonder if you made intelligent choices towards your own happiness. The only saving grace in all of this takes place when you look back in the rear view mirror and they are finally napping. You will be overwhelmed with feelings like you are sincerely happy and closer to the true meaning of your life. This will last all of 20 minutes until the now-awake-one throws a stuff animal at her sleeping sister who erupts in a scream that will make you want to pull over the car, get out, and just keep walking through that corn field until you find heaven because you just stepped out of hell.
2.Have a plan
While planning your route, it is imperative to consider pit-stops. Make sure you plan for occasional stops along the way so you are not driving for too long. Apps which predict traffic-flow are a great way to help you estimate when you should stop for meals and bathroom breaks. There is also an app which identifies public restrooms near your location and gives them reviews on cleanliness. These are some amazing tools to really make sure your trip goes off without a hitch!
That is until fifteen minutes into the drive, your five year old has to pee. You were psyched that he just got out of diapers, but now realize that when he has to go, you have to stop. Though, he is a boy, so you pull over on the highway because it’s early and there aren’t many cars on the road. You have a great bonding moment with your son as he takes a whiz on a pine tree and is pretty excited with himself over the incident.
Adrenaline pumping, you get behind the wheel excited to get started again. You are driving for five minutes and now your four year old daughter has to pee. You pull over again to the side of the highway for her to do the same, but your wife can’t get her to pee because the grass tickled her tushy and she says she no longer has to go. You start driving again; she is now screaming she has to pee, so you take the first exit and stop at a sketchy 7-Eleven. Hey, they are open. Now that everyone has used the bathroom, you are running over an hour and a half behind already. You will now hit the early rush hour in the city you were trying to miss and basically are absolutely screwed. You realize your plan is shit and you are proper fucked. Have a plan but do not be afraid to refer to tip number 1 here.
3.Pack your car like a pro!
Try and pack the car the night before once the kids go to sleep. Take your time packing to be sure you do not forget anything important. Also, try to pack the things you will not need further in the back. This way, you can easily get to the things you may need on the drive. If your kids are still in diapers, make sure the changing supplies are easy to get to as well as a change of clothes in case things go awry. If you have toddlers, keep snacks in the front seat and have toys in the back seat to keep them entertained. These tips will go a long way to be sure you have a smooth ride to your destination.
Just so you know, you will forget an important item no matter what you do. When you ask your wife, “Honey where are the white noise machines?” She’ll hesitate, and then,
“Didn’t you grab them when you woke them up to put them in the car?” … No.
“I thought I was getting the kids and you were getting the monitors?”
“Michael I do not know where your pacifier is”
“Just give him another one?”
“They are packed in the pack and play all the way in the back”
“Why you would put them in there?”
“Just play your tablet some more sweet heart we will be there soon”
“Daddy my tummy doesn’t feel good…I think I am going to be…sick…”
“I want pretzels!!!! PRETZELSSSSS!!!!”
“We brought granola bars and animal crackers eat them!”
“PRETZELSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!”
Please kindly refer to number 1 if you don’t mind.
4. Hop in the back seat when things go bad!
At some point, the kid will have had enough and one of you will have to go back there. If you have more than one child, it could mean wedging yourself between two car seats in an SUV you wish was bigger. Be careful when you sit down because it will be wet! You may ask how I know that but I promise you the seat will be wet.
Your kid will be in full meltdown mode when you reach the back seat, so make sure you come prepared with something chocolate. This always works. When you get back there you will find the ability to calm your child down, and you will feel really good about things. Then after about 15 minutes, the toy you have been sitting on starts to get to you and you realize that your feet are on a cooler which will hurt the whole circulation in your little old legs. It sinks in that you are trapped in a box for the next hour before they decide to take a nap. Really you will have some amazing moments bonding with your child as you truly comfort them. Meanwhile, your body is doing the slowest, most painful yoga of its life. Then from the front seat, “Wait Waze re-routed us? Thirty minutes were added on.”
“Great!…My ass is wet!”
5. Make a playlist
If you can sync your phone with your speakers, create a playlist that you and the kids enjoy! Of course this doesn’t exist, and you will end up listening to the same cartoon soundtrack over and over. You will have dreams of your kids jamming out to your favorite tunes of your lifetime, but they will hate them and actively boo your music selection. This for some reason will hurt your feelings and you’ll wonder if you are raising rude ungrateful children who deserve to be strapped to the hood of the car for the rest of the ride unless they can immediately love Prince!
Eventually your kids will fall in love with one of your tunes, and when you both are rocking out, it will be pure magic. This is not that day. This is a road trip, and you are going to listen to the Bubble Guppies soundtrack for the fifth time and like it. So, Let’s go Crazy!!!!
6.Be prepared for everything. (This is impossible)
You can bring a first aid kit, puke bucket, all of the medicine, sunblock, bug spray, jumper cables, flares, towels to wipe up messes, but you are going to screw up. You are going to forget something, you are going to lose your patience, there will be unexpected traffic, and that is fine. You have a family and that’s what it is. Through this comes amazing stories, personal growth, and a deeper bond with your kids. So do not be hard on yourself when it all goes wrong. It is supposed to; do your best to go with the flow no matter how much is put in your way. Also, I should mention that when it all goes right and the kids sleep, use the bathroom when you need to and have a blast the whole time. It will feel amazing!
Though, as you get to the destination, you know the return trip will be a puke-fest anger-fiesta which will be talked about for years. Both are wonderful in their own way. Okay the smooth ride is better, but let’s put some sunshine on the latter.
Gabe Weigle 
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