Johnny Cakes New Album “The Only Man Who Can Do the Job” Drops almost two years early due to Covoid!

Written by Gabe Weigle 6/19/20

Right now a lot of musicians are delaying the release of their new albums do to the coronavirus pandemic, but this Johnny Cakes album is actually coming out early. Johnny was planning to release his album in the fall of 2021, but thought to himself in his words, “The world needs me now more than ever.” His new album is called The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and it will be out next Friday.

A press release describes the album as “exactly like his first 10 albums. A sub-par musician whose ego writes a check his talent can’t cash!” After divorcing his third wife and getting his third DUI, Cakes refused his court ordered addiction counselor and decided to conduct therapy on himself. Cakes was quoted, “I don’t need others to solve my problems. Why would I pay someone to get in my head when I am the only one that is in it?” This, of course, inspired Cakes to write first self-help book: “Screaming In the Mirror: How to Cut Through Your Own Bullshit with Your Own Bullshit.”

Johnny teamed up with some of the best cover bands in East South Carolina including Tommy and the Tone Deafs, I Got Divorced in My Late 40’s, and Yep, We are Still Doing This to get his musical chops back up to par. When asked about their collaboration, Cakes remarked, “You know, playing with these guys made me realize I was really talented. They are great, but can’t bring the house down at a Marina Bar at 8pm like Cakes on the strings!” Johnny still can’t answer questions about the Marina fire he mentioned, as the crime is still under investigation and he is a suspect.

All of these experiences really fueled The Only Man Who Can Do the Job. It can be best described as spoken word poetry yelled over simplistic chords, with lyrics only a sociopathic narcissist can relate to. Though, if you need a laugh and have enough weed, this is the kind of album you can rely on when you need to feel better about yourself. After listening to this album, not keeping up with my CrossFit class and neglecting to take my cat to the vet for 8 years didn’t sound so bad. Johnny is a real piece of shit, but hey, at least you’re not him.

Here is what Cakes had to say about The Only Man Who Can Do the Job and its early arrival:

              I am so glad I could help everyone out with getting this album done two years ahead of schedule. Some people felt like it was rushed, and I would like to fight each one of those cowards. People need this music because most people are scared sheep that keep a light on at night, but not Cakes! They need a man who only sleeps four hours a night because I refuse to admit that I have sleep apnea. The world needs a man that snores so loud he has given himself three hernias in his sleep. The world needs a man who listens to his gut and not what anyone else has to say. So, you better enjoy this album! If you don’t then you and whoever likes and supports you as a person is just too much of a panty waste to even deserve my time.

          Our daily routines have been taken away from us and we should forcefully get them back. After all, in times like these everyone is out for themselves, so you better not be late to the party. This album is believing in the voice that tells you, “You are the best there is” and “Sure, he runs a gym, but I can take him.” It’s an album that takes my fear of change and new ideas and puts them on display for the world to see. My agent told me “Johnny you have to evolve. It has been proven that the keytar as an instrument doesn’t really makes sense anymore and you can do a lot more easily with the new keyboards these days.” I simply hit the gas on my golf cart and ran him over. After he heard the beeps of a reversing golf cart, he definitely saw it my way. Listen, Cakes believes in the people! People have advanced their thinking generation after generation! This has created the kind of life that is more comfortable than ever before, and do you think new ideas got us here? I rest my case.

The Only Man Who Can Do the Job debut’s on CD and Cassette May 15. Johnny does not believe in the Internet, so you will not be able to find him on iTunes or any other streaming service. This makes his music hard to listen to and truly hurts his success as an artist. Johnny, though, remains true to what he believes in because, well, what else does he have at this point? Below are the tracks from his album. I look forward to hopefully finding the alarm clock/CD player in my attic to listen to his music. Rock on Johnny Cakes!!

Track List:

01: “I Am Too Drunk to Drive Out of This Parking Lot”

02: “I Don’t Hug Men”

03: “Bake Me Something Good Woman”

04: “Why Did She Leave Me?”

05: “I Don’t Speak Your Language, So I Am Gonna Yell”

06: “Sleep Hernia Blues”

07: “Scared of Most People”

08:  “Man of Few Words”

09: “I Have Known You for 20 Years and Can’t Spell Your Name”

10: “Nothing Out There Is Good”

11: “The Sprinkler Woke Me Up”

12. “I Thought This Was My House”