A Simple No-Knead Bread Recipe and a 4 year break up….

A Satirical blog by Gabe Weigle

I know almost everyone now has seen the no-knead bread recipes that are all over the Internet, but no one has written about them 2 hours after a 4 year relationship just came crashing to an end. So, in the words of Samuel L Jackson, “Hold on to your butts!”

After following a recipe that even a man on his fifth Manhattan could follow, the luscious loaf melting in my mouth was surprisingly far from ugly. See? I have accomplished a lot, Vicki! Oh, it’s been over for a while? Well so are those fucking summer jumpers you like to wear so god damn much. I mean, I am not Gianni Versace, but you are a whore my dear.

Alright, back to the bread. Listen, this is some seriously sticky dough, which is awesome because yeast loves this since it is the perfect environment for it to grow — which must be similar to your vagina because every time I wanted to have sex, you had another yeast infection. It was like you had an English muffin factory inside of your English muffin. I am sorry that’s messed up; it was hereditary, and there was nothing you could do about it. Sure, I am the bad guy! I am always the bad guy! I volunteer at a food bank once a year, Vicki! I care about PEOPLE!

The bread doesn’t take much yeast, which makes it rise slower and helps with depth of flavor. The recipe then calls for you to bake it in a Dutch oven which creates the perfect environment to lock-in the moisture. This create a pillow of bread and a crunchy crust you can eat while you cry to your friend Brent that she was the one.

That is, until it gets uncomfortable for Brent because I guess a man can’t show emotions to another man. I friggin listened to Brent cry for fucking 2 weeks because his cat Dr. Doogie Meowser died. I didn’t give him shit — not one time! Nope! Brent it’s gonna be fine man! It’s cool that you are this upset. We all get attached to our animals. I like to put on cat ears too sometimes. I was there for YOU! But now I am being outlandish because the woman that should have been the mother of my CHILDREN and the LADY that I was supposed to have hold my hand as I DIE, reading to me a notebook I kept…How does that movie go?

Anyway, the one ingredient that is key with this recipe is the yeast. You will want to use instant yeast — about a ½ a teaspoon, which is a little less than traditional dry yeast. This kind of yeast is very reliable and really has nothing to do with speed. I mean I can relate a lot to instant yeast as I am quite a reliable person, and a lot of people are aware of this. Last week at work my boss was like, “Brian your work is very consistent and always accurate, but you need to go above an beyond to advance in your career.” Fuck my boss.

Vicki was all like, “You are a nice guy, but it is the same thing week in and week out. I need to feel like you give a shit if you want this to go anywhere!” What, do you not think I care about things?! Look how much I know about bread! I know our dating anniversary (I think), and I am pretty sure I can remember what you were wearing the first night we met, which was…

Anyway, the recipe below is not like all of this life bullshit. Just stick to the recipe! If you do too much, it won’t work or don’t do all of the steps, it won’t work — no matter how hard you try and save it. Bon Appetite!

2 3/4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/2 teaspoon instant yeast
1 1/3 teaspoons salt
Cornmeal as needed.

1. In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. (Adjust salt if crying. Tears contain more salt than you think.) Add 1 3/4 cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Feel free to throw it against a wall when you think about every time she said you would be together forever. If you are in a blind rage like I am, make sure your dough is covered in flour so it doesn’t stick to the wall.
2. When you are done with your anger, place the dough in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap. She wouldn’t let you use plastic wrap because it killed the dolphins, but I have always hated dolphins. Always! Dolphin show at the aquarium? Hard pass! Not because it’s cruel to dolphins, but because they are too fucking smart. Once you’ve covered the bowl with plastic wrap, let the dough (and your heart) rest at least 12 hours at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.
3. Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly sprinkle flour over a work surface and place dough on top of it; sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes. While you’re waiting, check her Facebook page and read all of her comments to see if you can figure out which guy is moving in on your girl! Once you narrow it down to three lucky assholes, make plans to fight them that you will never follow through on.
4. Using enough flour to keep dough from sticking to the work surface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball. Generously coat a cotton towel with flour and corn meal, put dough seam-side down on towel, and dust with more flour and cornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. While your dough is rising, workout harder than you have ever before. Go on an anger run through the park at a full sprint, only slowing down to scream on your left or right as you blast pass anything in your way! When it is ready, the dough will be more than double in size and will not readily spring back when poked. Now’s the time to take marijuana in some form because you are going to want to calm the hell down.
5. At least 30 minutes before dough is ready, heat oven to 460°F. Put an 8-quart heavy covered pot in the oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up. It may look like a damn disaster, like a lot of your hopes and dreams but that is O.K. Shake the pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will correct itself as it bakes, but you will always be broken and alone. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned.
6. Remove loaf from oven and cool on a rack. Tear off chunk with your bare hands, dip it in too much olive oil, and stare out the window. You will catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection from the window and realize that she sucks, and so do you.