A satirical blog by Gabe Weigle
In today’s world of constant emails, texts, and noise, it is more important than ever to get out into nature. We all know there are two key survival rules when camping: leave nature how you found it and drink as much as possible with your fellow campers. So how do you enjoy the serenity of mother nature and also get so black out drunk that you cry in front of your friends at the end of the night? As a person who likes to be seen as outdoorsy to pick up chicks, I know just enough to make sure you get amazing pictures for social media but I’ll also drink enough while camping that my friends start questioning, “Is everything okay with him?”
I’ve compiled some of my best advice for surviving the great outdoors..
- Have a plan and be ready for anything
Mia Hamm once said, “The backbone of success is hard work, determination, good planning and perseverance” so I doubt she was much fun, but she does make some good points. You will want to have some rough knowledge of the trail system. Reading a map ahead of time minimizes the chance you will need to be rescued and your friends bitching that we should have gone to the beach. Be prepared for Kyle to complain, but you can nip this in the bud by getting surprisingly angry the first time he speaks up. One phrase that I like to use when I need to get a friend in line is, “Kyle would you just shut up! She died in a plane crash okay!” It doesn’t matter who “she” is—alive or not—no one will ask, and you will have a quiet walk through the wood the rest of the way.
You will also want to consider how many people are allowed at campsite and how busy it is when you’re planning your trip. Busy campsites can be difficult because, after waking up by the fire at 3 am by yourself with half-eaten s’more stuck in your beard, tents tend to look the same. You might even get in the wrong tent and accidently see your friend Kyle masturbating by himself and you will most likely have the image in your head for the next couple years.
- Know what to do with trash
Like most camping trips, the end of a 2 hour hike is followed by 5–30 hours of drinking so you will want to have a plan for your trash. We want to leave nature how we found it. The next morning, you do not wanting to be yelling at your friends, “Take some damn responsibility for yourselves and help me clean up around the fire” Sure, most of the trash came from you and your friend’s cousin named “Biscuit” who brought a bag full of THC gummi bears and knowledge on what the universe had in store for all of us. Also, be sure to question everyone’s fortitude if they do not finish their beer. There is nothing worse than picking up a bunch of half drank beers in the morning, especially after eating a bag full of earlier mentioned THC gummies, 2 bags of marshmallows, a large chocolate bar, and for some reason smoking 2 cigars all after midnight.
Human waste is also a factor. You will want to stay 200 yards from any bed of water so your party’s waste does not contaminate the water supply. We also know Becky loves to fall asleep in pools on rafts where she almost died on spring break in a Ramada Inn in Fort Lauderdale. (She then goes home early on spring break, ruining any headway you made on the trip. Then, when confronted about being more than friends, she tells you that she is still recovering from her misstep and needs to be focused on her. “Damn it when I am going to catch a break!”)
- Campfires
Make sure you take charge of the fire situation right away! It is vital to let everyone know that your way is by far the best way to do it, and move the wood into some sort of tepee looking pentagon. If you have any issue starting the fire, complain that the wood is too wet, and ask your friends if they have ever been camping before in a manner that makes them question why they are friends with you. Once you get this fire started, be sure to stay close as possible to your blaze. You will want to talk about your heroic feat to anyone who comes near said fire. They will want to hear all about it, so offer to show them some time if they have or have not shown any interest. Be prepared for your one friend who is going to want to jump over the fire. Of course, this ends in two ways: “John man what are you 15? No one is impressed” or “Hey, John didn’t make it over the fire and is really hurt. Should we take him to the hospital?” If it is the latter, be sure one of your friends is a nurse who can still work after two bottles of wine and Whiskey Mule. They will do a half ass job of taking care of the wound, but it will be enough to take him in the morning, and that is all you will are asking at that point.
- Respect Wildlife
When camping, you will want to be sure—no matter how drunk you are— to fight the feeling to take a wild animal as your new pet. As the ego driven creature you are, who believes the entire world is your property, this can be a tough notion to fight when under the influence of your second bottle of wine. So when that raccoon/baby panda/fur baby makes an appearance, just let it be. You do not want to have the story of when Tina got rabies at the state park. Also please do not try to rescue any injured animals and call a park ranger. Don’t go all Jane Goodall and put a splint on a possum because your god chose you to protect this marsupial. Nay! Call the park ranger and let the pros handle it!
A lot of campers’ biggest fear is to come face to face with a bear! If you see a black bear, it has been said to make yourself look big by screaming at the bear. This is easy to do because you are already screaming. When you friends see you charge a bear like a fucking champion, you will get major street cred. If you see a grizzly bear, just crumple to the ground and be prepared to be dinner. (Do not see a grizzly bear.) If you see a dragon, it is not real. You are on really good mushrooms and thank Todd for bringing them. If you see flashing lights and a man in a big hat who is asking you, “Where are you clothes son?” You are naked in the woods, and the ranger wants you to get out of the kids’ playground. This also means Todd has really good mushrooms!
- Be mindful of other visitors
Sure, you brought your acoustic guitar and weird Darrell brought a wooden box that he considers some kind of percussion instrument, but you do not sound good. I know you feel like you are tearing up Simon and Garfunkel covers, like you are opening for Dylan on the lower west side in the early 70’s, but you are both disasters. You are too drunk to tune your guitar even though you did so for 40 minutes. In reality, you are playing the same three chords poorly and shouting lyrics. Darrell in the meantime is smacking around that box like his crotch is on fire and he likes it. As you make eye contact, you feel like you got a good groove going, but everyone wants you to stop so we can play another game of Cards Against Humanity. Tina, who has recovered from the raccoon bite because your nurse friend jumped into action by cleaning the wound with hard seltzer and a maxi pad as a bandage, is into you. Well, that was the case until you break into “Round Here” by Counting Crows and start uncontrollably crying in the second verse.
- Enjoy it!
You planned this nightmare, so enjoy what nature has for you! Poison ivy in fun places, Dave smelling gross, Brenda complaining non-stop about every insect, waking up severely hungover, and sleeping on the ground. This sounds awful, but you have all your life to camp correctly! You have your whole life to have the right gear. Be prepared for everything, but why not take some time with the people you love and make a damn mess out of the whole thing? Hug that raccoon, smack the shit out of that wooden box, and make out with rabid Tina, because this is where you are supposed to be.
Gabe Weigle 
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